Sources inside the Vatican have confirmed today that they are in the final stages of planning His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI Easter celebrations, which are being described as "a frenzy of mindless hedonism", confirming that after celebrating the Easter mass early on Sunday morning, His Holiness would be embarking on "a bender of almost biblical scale".

"The Lenten period is about abstinence, about the self-denial we choose to inflict on ourselves to honour Christ's sacrifice for us." explained His Excellency Guiseppe Leanzea, Papal Nuncio to Ireland. "Easter weekend is when we celebrate the end of this period of abstinence and indulge every desire we've been shamed into repressing over the previous forty days in a mindless hedonistic binge."

His Holiness, in what has been described by Vatican insiders as an "unprecedented act of the most supreme self-sacrifice", is said to have forgone, not only chocolate, sweets and crisps, but all forms of alcohol, and, it has been rumoured, even Facebook and Twitter, for the full forty day period.

"The willpower involved is really quite extraordinary" said Cardinal Desmond Molroney. "It is a true testament to His Holiness's devotion and spiritual strength."

The cardinal was quick to respond to claims that the Pontiff had, on several occasions, broken his Lenten abstinence, insisting that St. Patrick's Day "doesn't count". "This is one issue on which the Church has always been completely consistent." the cardinal argued, "When Pope Innocent X established the feast day in the 17th century, his Epistle De Festum Connubialem made clear that this was to be an occasion for guilt-free debauchery. Consistency is of central importance to the integrity of the Church's message, and His Holiness has always made strong respect for existing doctrines a central element of his Papacy. So he felt it was important to celebrate the feast day appropriately"  

Ryan Kenny