Gardai are relieved this morning to learn that the imminent threat of copycat London-style riots is has been quelled by an unexpected act of Harakiri.

Perpetual hangovers among ringleaders have been attributed as the obstacle to lighting the touch-paper required to spark the riots.

In hindsight, it’s clear the short-lived happening was never going to get off the ground.

It all started when Neillo ''Bellend'' Beller had gotten the ball rolling on the city's prime radio talk-show, All Talk.

''Dead right they fuckin' could'', insisted Bellend when asked whether he believed the London riots could spill over to the Emerald Isle.

Unable to give any rational reason as to why, and completely misreading the situation - ''and dose Yanks said the revolution wouldn't be televised'' - Bellend felt it was high time to launch a call to arms to his fellow Dubliners and to take inspiration from the London happenings.

Aided by one of his ''mottes'', Bellend created a Twitter profile especially for the event and had amassed 2,149 followers by the Saturday morning. His notoriety took off like the Hallean Comet thoughout the weekend and peaked at 7,923 by Sunday evening.

Quoting famous lines from Michael Collins and Crush Proof, and adopting a Che Guevara avatar, he managed to woo vulnerable youths on their summer holidays, with his followers averaging nine and a half years of age.

''I'm the Pied Fuckin' Pipper'[sic]'', read his maiden Tweet. ''We're gonna take down dem Dawl kunts [sic].

It was all scheduled for the Monday morning: he and his acolytes would gather at the ''Spike'' -'' it's just the fuckin' handiest boys, very central'' - whence they'd proceed down Henry Street sacking every large chain-store on their way.

Neither Bellend nor his followers had accounted for the considerable obstacle that the Delirium Tremens would present to the project, and sure enough he was struck down with an acute case of the Horrors beginning Sunday night and carrying through to Monday morning, at which point he awoke swimming in a bath of his own sweat.

‘‘Doyin,’’went his Tweet as he scoured the room for a bedpan. ‘‘Let’s just leave it on the back burner for today boys.’’
Gardai now believe Bellend was on an epic bender all weekend and severely under the influence while Tweeting. They plan to ignore all future ‘‘happenings’’ spoiling for a riot via Twitter during weekends, such is the proximity to Monday and hence the likelihood of its passing over in a hungover stupor.

Paul Morrissey