It’s been a topsy-turvy week for the International Monetary Fund this week with a high-profile scandal, a succession of ill-considered bailout deals, and an unexpected change in leadership at the top. The headlines started in New York when former chief, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, shocked the world by announcing he was taking a break from the metaphorical rape of entire nations to focus on the actual rape of individuals.

A spokesperson for Mr. Strauss-Kahn said that he had grown tired of not being able to see the whites of his victims’ eyes, prompting him to take a much more ‘hands-on’ approach to his work.

Mr. Strauss-Kahn, who had been under the impression that he enjoyed full diplomatic immunity as the head of a UN organization, was stunned to find himself taken into custody for questioning over his daring career move and was visibly shocked during his subsequent court appearance. “I don’t know what the world’s coming to if the head of the International Monetary Fund can’t anally rape who he wants, where he wants, when he wants,” said one fan in attendance at the New York courthouse, “what kind of world do we live in if rich and powerful people aren’t allowed to do as they please? What kind of message does that send out? First they try to attack our super-injunctions, now this?”

Things went from bad to worse for Mr. Strauss-Khan when he was denied the right to bail despite repeated assurances that he was not a flight risk—an argument that was somewhat undermined by the fact that his arrest took place on board a plane that was just about to take off. In his absence, the IMF has been losing the run of itself, allegedly handing out large sums of money to a number of people claiming to be members of the Nigerian royal family who were seeking assistance in recovering large sums of money trapped in overseas bank accounts.

However, normal service was resumed when it was announced that none other than Patrick
Bateman himself would be taking over the top spot with immediate effect. “We’re a big fan of Mr. Bateman’s work,” said an IMF press spokesman, “he possesses all the qualities we look for in an IMF chief: good business acumen, a clinical and professional attitude, and a complete lack of empathy towards fellow human beings.”

Johnny McGee