Dave h'Organ & Hugh Ryan

The Catholic Church has condemned the conduct of Northern Irish Assembly member, Iris ‘Mrs.’ Robinson, who was recently revealed to have had an affair with a young man she first met when he was nine years old.

“Having sex with teenagers you’ve known since childhood is all well and good,” said spokesperson Cardinal Gol Den Cutlerie . “But only when the relationship is between an experienced male priest and a boy that he’s carefully selected for that purpose.

“Grooming youngsters for encounters with older members of the opposite sex is a disgusting abomination. How’s she even supposed to rape him for God’s sake?”

The hebephile wife of first minister Peter Robinson, a fellow member of the DUP (Deranged Ulster Prods) party, is also under pressure to explain undeclared political donations of fifty thousand pounds, which she gave to her young lover to start a cafe business.

A number of high profile Irish chefs whose restaurants have ceased trading have expressed their unhappiness that the sex for investment scheme was not extended to the south.

“It’s a joke,” said renowned restaurateur Gonad Gallgher, looking nervously over his shoulder for creditors as he spoke to The Spanner. “It’s supposed to be a new era of peace and equal opportunity in Ireland. So why didn’t she give us the chance to participate?

“If she was willing to put fifty grand into my business I would have gladly taken a trip to the free state if you know that I mean.”

Fellow Michelin starred chef Dylan McAngry also vented his anger with a characteristic foul mouthed rant - “Dirty f**ckin p**d c***t where the **ck was she when I needed f**kin cash eh?” before headbutting The Spanner’s correspondent and challenging all comers to ‘have a go if you’re f**kin hard enough so’. 

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