Following the shock revelation that a Slovakian national unwittingly brought explosives into the country, Minister for Justice and General Arrogance Dermot Ahern has ordered that baggage scanners in the airport be recalibrated.

“This has exposed a serious security weakness at Dublin Airport,” said the Sneer Ahern. “During the Celtic Tiger the priority on incoming baggage was scanning for shopping from New York, just as the priority before that was detecting nudey pictures and dangerous bukes that might give people notions.

“At the moment, our equipment will pick up a coat from Macy’s or a Tommy Hilfiger jumper in seconds but you could have a stick of dynamite strapped to a ticking clock and it would still get through.

“Now that most people are too broke to fly to NYC just to do the Christmas shopping, we can devote our attention to more serious matters, like checking for explosives and making sure tanned foreign-lookin fellas get lots of hassle when they try to get into the country.”

Staff at the airport have expressed concern at the proposed change in policy. Union spokesman John Handenumber wanted assurances that there would still be “a bit of something in it for us. It’s a well known perk of the job that we get to bring home any confiscated suitcases.

“I can’t imagine anyone’s family being too impressed at getting some Semtex rather than a few pairs of Levis. Unless they’re nordies of course.”

“We’re looking forward to using them new body scanner yokes though and getting a good look at all the fit birds heading off on their holidays. Deadly buzz.”

Minister Ahern said that new advanced scanning equipment was being ordered from ‘across the water’ and would be in place by Easter. This will be capable of picking up secondary cultural threats such as glasgow celtic jerseys, cheap drink from the north and protestants, allowing airport security to prevent them from entering the country and contaminating the purity of our beloved Emerald Isle.

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