Entertainment

Celebrity Big Brother becomes the most watched programme on the planet after the increasingly pointless show’s producers decide to boost flagging ratings by arming the contestants. Former Irish footballer Roy Keane (who joins the show after being fired by Ipswich) will be crowned celebrity battle royale King, winning the final by slitting the throats of Jedward with a sharpened hurley.

Transformers 3: Megan Fox in a Bikini is released and breaks box office records despite puzzling fans. “I didn’t like it at first,” American high school student Joey Wienerziehen will say. “There weren’t actually any transformers in the movie at all. But then Megan Fox stripped down to her bikini and jumped up and down for an hour and a half. Dude, it was like the most awesomest awesomeness ever.”

Celebrities most likely to be arrested for being drunk / mental / drugged / all of the above: Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, the choirboy who won the X-Factor

Sport

In soccer, Liverpool will march on to UEFA cup glory, defeating some rubbish German team on penalties after a thrilling 0-0 final. “I’m delighted,” manager Rafael Benitez will say. “The players played with great quality and we won this magnificient trophy. It was my plan all along, the Champions League isn’t cool, it’s like the nightclub full of vulgar celebrities. The UEFA cup is the cool indie club. You can’t afford to sack me anyway maricone!”

Kilkenny will win a historic hurling 5-in-a-row after all other teams decide not to bother even trying to play them, despite manager Brian Cody offering any opposition with the balls a 10 point head start. Marty Morrissey will be disembowelled live on television at Croke park as part of the victory celebrations. The Dubs will win feck all. AGAIN.

Cricket will continue to take too long, golf will remain the most boring sport in the world to watch and some rich twats will continue to own formula 1 teams and ride hookers dressed as Nazis. Probably.

Sports men most likely to carry an entire team on their back: Fernando Torres, Brian O’Driscoll, Joe Canning

Most unlikely headlines of the year

Liverpool qualify for Champions League
Bankers punished
Brendan O’Connor reveals charming modest side
Skangers discuss differences calmly
Spanner publishes tasteful, witty article

In completely unrelated news:
Irish airport scanners set to detect shopping from New York rather than explosives
Google phone to hide message inbox among hundreds of irrelevant folders
Spanner TV - Late for work