French footballing cheat and Irish public enemy number one Thierry Henry has been identified by Gardai as the main suspect in a string of recent tiger kidnappings around the country.

The outlaw Henry responded by releasing a provocative statemtent through his lawyers, in which he acknowledged committing the crimes but absolved himself of any responsibility, claiming the onus was on the authorities to enforce the law correctly.

“Je suis pas le Garda bud,” said the Barcelona striker cum basketball player. “If Le bleedin Garda didn’t see it, I didn’t do it. Know worra mee-un?”

“The fairest thing would probably be for me to be in the Joy, but at the end of le day, Je ne suis pas le judge like.”

Tiger kidnappings involve the family of a bank official being locked in their house with a live Tiger, who is encouraged to eat them in the event of a ransom not being paid.

Henry has been tried once before, but the case collapsed due to the inadmissibility of video evidence. Minister for Justice, Dermot ‘The Sneer’ Ahern, said that calling for a retrial could prove problematic.

“I think we’d all like to see a retrial,” said The Sneer. “However if we retry Henry we may be forced to revisit other historical precedents. Like 1916 for example. What if we lost that on a technicality eh, do you really want the Brits back in? Because that’s exactly what you’re suggesting.

The Irish public have been venting their outrage at Henry’s blatant handball foul in a number of Facebook groups, with pages such as “Thank God I found this outlet for my impotent rage” and “I’m not racist but we should definitely Jack Lynch him like” each attracting more members than there are Irish people in the world.

After the poor attendance at a protest march to the French embassy last weekend, organisers have vowed to come up with a new more effective approach. This Saturday protesters will let the air out of the tyres of every Renault car in the country, while simultaneously shaving themselves with Wilkinson Sword razors. That’ll show them.

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