PDs finally slain: “In the end, all it took was a simple stake to the heart”

Hack Jorgan

And lo, the villagers did gather, unbelieving at first, slowly becoming jubilant. It was clear from the rapidly disintegrating corpse in front of them that the menace which had terrorised them for so long was gone forever…

The Progressive Democrats this week announced their disbandment after 23 years in Irish politics. It is believed that the final decision was taken after they failed to muster sufficient numbers to compete in the bi-annual inter-party 5 a side competition. Although possessing a formidable goalkeeper in Minister for Health Mary Harney, the outfield would have been limited to Noel Grealish TD and Senators Ciarán Cannon and Fiona O’Malley. PD supporters were left wistfully thinking of the halcyon days when the line was led by fleet-footed Dessie O’Malley, whose skilful combination of liberal economic policy and progressive social policies enticed many supporters away from their traditional parties, whose stale tactics had led many to become disillusioned.

It seemed that the PDs offered a new, forward thinking range of solutions to the economic malaise which affected Irish society at the time, and the party were rewarded with 14 seats, a remarkable achievement which allowed them to compete in the full 11 a side competition, usually the sole preserve of Fianna Fail and Fine Gael. However, even the most ardent supporter’s faith was tested by the election, in 2006, of Michael McDowell as party leader. McDowell, whose hobbies include making Airfix models and collecting stamps, was a bitter pill for voters to swallow and the party was duly punished for electing such a totally unlikeable arsehole as leader. It is believed that McDowell’s derisory attitude towards any form of fun may have made him particularly unpalatable to voters, and he suffered the ignominy of losing his seat to famed sissy-boy John Gormley after a particularly uninspiring face-off on the 2006 campaign trail in Ranelagh had many bystanders looking at their hands in embarrassment. In the history of political conflict, it was hardly the LA Riots or the Poll Tax marches. After this, McDowell swiftly threw every single one of his toys out of the pram, retiring from public life and leaving the PDs up shit creek.