Christmas; a time for joy, family, kindness, and so on – you get the idea.
Well, that’s what the holiday is supposed to be about and we hold no ill will against anyone who enjoys each one of the twelve days spending quality bonding time with their families.
Unfortunately though, the thought of spending more than a few passing moments with family members can drive some people as insane as The Grinch listening to a Michael Buble album.
Whether it be that uncle who won’t stop asking you what you’re doing with your life (when I know, I’ll tell you!) or that sister who expects your undivided attention and gratitude despite being a walking nightmare for most of the year, a family Christmas isn’t everybody’s idea of happy holidays.
We understand that; some families get on, some don’t. Life goes on. However, if you happen to fall into the second category, why should you be subjected to this torture if you don’t have to me.
People say you have to spend the Yuletide break with family members, but why? Do what makes you happy. Nevertheless, there is a social taboo about completely ditching your family at this time of the year.
So what ever do you do? You be crafty. Be cunning. Follow any of these tips, and you can have a wonderful Christmas time away from any of your relatives.
Play Hide And Seek
“Let’s a play a game.” Trick them into thinking you want to socialise.
Because after a few glasses of wine, it’ll be more attractive than the life-draining parasites that is charades.
So you suggest this, and then you retreat to your fortress of solitude for the day and night. It might be a particular place in the house no one will look, or just get a lock for your room. It’s hardly against the rules?
If anyone causes a fuss, you have the perfect comeback. You’re just that good at the game. You didn’t know you were playing with amateurs.
“I forgot! I need to tell Granny/Grandad/whoever something!”
This works particularly well when you’re stuck with a large, extended family and you’re desperately trying to avoid every single one of them.
It requires you to keep moving, but this line will always pull you out of an awkward situation if you’re approached.
“Oh no! I forgot I had to tell Granny about the dessert”. Bollocks, you couldn’t care less but it will get you out of that conversation you don’t want to have.
At the end of the day, it’s not rude if you’re equally dismissive of everybody, right?
Seriously injure yourself
This is one only for the extremely desperate.
Being in extreme pain for the holidays isn’t exactly a welcoming idea, but sometimes you just have to do what you have to do.
Fall down the stairs, walk into traffic, get a good mate to stab you (but in like a nice, safeish way) and you’ll secure a peaceful Christmas.
Whether that be on a hopsital trolley or your own bed depends on circumstance, but no one will have you dancing with your drunken aunt when you’re leg is broken?
“Would anyone like anything from the shop?”
You might be like me and live near a shop that is cruel enough to open on Christmas Day. Maybe you don’t, but it doesn’t matter.
As far as anyone else is concerned, there is a shop open. It might be five miles away, but you’ll crawl there if it gets you away from the house.
Make a shopping list for everybody, masquerade as the generous son/nephew/cousin, put your headphones on and go for a walk.
If the shop happens to be ‘closed’, then that’s just a shame. “What a waste of six hours that journey was…” No one will be the wiser.
Join A Cult
Cults get a bad reputation but they’re not all bad.
You get to make some great friends, build a new family and you can skip Christmas entirely.
It doesn’t matter what cult this is, or what they believe in; what does matter is that these new, ‘crazy’ beliefs mean that you no longer celebrate a family Christmas and your family just have to accept that.
Sure, you can always leave the cult in January! Spend the rest of the year as normal, and then begin the process of trying to find meaning with a new group in December.
Rinse and repeat yearly, and you’re sorted.
Move To Yemen
Hey, it worked for Chandler Bing. It’s good enough for us.