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Owen Hargreaves disappointed to discover he is made of Jaffa Cakes

'Jaffa Cakes? Fuck. Thought I'd at least be Hobnobs.'

Broken man, Owen Hargreaves, was disappointed to discover this week that his body is in fact not made of flesh and bone, but rather a delicious treat.

The former England midfielder has endured a career ravaged by injuries, and it was recently revealed by knee experts in Colorado that Hargreaves’ main problem has arisen from his legs being made of the delicious biscuit-but-called-cakes, Jaffa Cakes.

The news has come after a bitter weekend for Manchester United fans, as they're still red raw from the spanking Barcelona gave them in the Champions' League final.

Hargreaves’ knee specialist told us: “It shouldn’t have taken so long to realise this. His frequent knee injuries were because of the dry biscuit part of his legs cracking and falling apart whenever he ran. The lovely jelly bits were fine, they could cope with that stuff. Lovely and flexible.

“We tested his legs for many different treats. Rich tea biscuits, digestives, the wafers you put around a block of ice-cream, wham bars – the lot. We knew it wasn’t KitKat Chunky because those are strong bastards.”

We spoke to a regular football hooligan who told us that Hargreaves “will probably be disappointed with that” and that “it’s a real shame because he could actually take a penalty, which is something that basically no other England player could do”. The hooligan concluded with moving sentiments that “Owen should be proud of what he’s achieved with them Jaffa legs. BEER BEER WAZZA FOOTY TITS WAHEY”

It’s thought that the best way for Hargreaves to revive his football career would be to start a Twitter account. Just like every other fucking player these days.

Mark Walsho
www.walsho.net

 

 
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Topless Ukraine activist grabs Euro Cup

(Reuters) - A Ukrainian women's rights activist stripped to the waist and seized the Euro-2012 soccer trophy while it was on public display in Kiev on Saturday in a protest against the forthcoming month-long championship.

 
The young woman, 23-year-old Yulia Kovpachik, is a member of the Kiev-based Femen women's rights group which believes the Euro-2012 soccer tournament being played in Ukraine next month will encourage sex tourism.
 
Kovpachik strode up to the silver, 60 centimeter (two feet) high trophy, which was on display as a tourist attraction in an open air exhibition in central Kiev, ostensibly to be photographed alongside it like hundreds of other sightseers.
 
But she then pulled down her red T-shirt to reveal the words "Fuck Euro 2012" scrawled on her torso. As she grabbed hold of the cup with both hands, she was seized by security guards, who appeared to have had advanced warning of the protest.
 
They covered her with a sheet and took her off to a waiting police car.
 
The protest appeared to be the first action in a campaign against the championship by Femen which regularly stages bare-breast protests in Ukraine - and sometimes beyond - to highlight what it sees as political injustice, social abuse and the exploitation of women in Ukraine.
 
Femen says Euro-2012, which Ukraine is co-hosting with Poland next month with the final in Kiev on July 1, will be a magnet for sex tourists - one of the group's main targets - and will feed a booming sex industry.
 
About one million foreign tourists are expected in Ukraine for the Euros.
 
Organisers said the 8 kg (17 lbs) Henri Delaunay cup was undamaged though Kovpachik appeared to topple back under its weight as security guards seized her. It was still on show in late evening.
 
Femen's spokeswoman, Anna Gutsol, said Kovpachik, who staged the protest on her 23rd birthday, was released after being told she would have to appear in court on Monday on a charge of hooliganism. The charge carries a maximum fine of 800 hryvnias ($100) and 15 days detention.
 
Conscious of Ukraine's growing reputation as a new destination for sex tourism, Euro-2012 organisers say they are taking steps to curb prostitution during the month-long tournament.
 
After Kovpachik's protest, Femen activist Olexandra Shevchenko told reporters: "We came here today to stop this Euro fan low-life from making a bordello out of Ukraine."
 
City authorities have mounted the trophy in a temporary exhibition area on Kiev's Independence Square.
 
Hundreds of sightseers were queuing up under the blazing sun for souvenir photographs alongside it when Kovpachik staged her demonstration.
 
Independence Square itself will be the centre of a huge 'fan-zone' during Euro-2012, capable of holding tens of thousands of football supporters.

Link of the week

Auld lads are a gas bit of craic so they are. And they're on Twitter here. By Jaysus...