'I'm going to stop listening to these accusations now. Bangin' tune comin' on.'

Storm clouds have gathered over Zurich this week with FIFA, the international governing body of football, being forced to suffer the indignity of having its pristine image dragged through the mud by a succession of pesky corroborated facts and well-founded accusations.

It should have been a week of great celebration for the organisation, with preparations well under way for President-for-life Sepp Blatter’s ‘consolidation of power ceremony’ on June 1st (a highly popular holiday on the FIFA calendar). However, the mood in the camp soured when the assembled media began to get wind of endemic corruption within the organisation’s hallowed ranks. The gravity of the situation quickly became apparent when several of the organisation’s major sponsors began to voice concerns over the issue. “You know things are bad when a multinational corporation like Coca Cola has become the guardian of the moral compass” said one inside source who chose to remain nameless.

Blatter was swift to respond however, hastily assembling an emergency convention of the FIFA Ethics
Committee behind closed doors in a hermetically sealed room to discuss the issue of transparency. After several minutes of deliberation, the matter was finally resolved with the announcement that Jack Warner and Mohamed Bin Hammam had both been sentenced to death while objective reality itself had been found guilty on several counts of corruption. When asked if he had finally gone mad with power, Chairman Blatter remained silent, staring menacingly into the gallery as his security officers began firing rounds of tear gas.

On a brighter note, FIFA also announced that they were finally embracing the modern age with plans to roll out goal-line daguerrotype technology for all Champions League and Europa League matches. It is hoped that the new technology, along with the addition of sixteen more linesmen at each end of the pitch, will finally put an end to the kind of controversies witnessed in several high-profile matches in recent years.

Johnny McGee