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Obese man sues gym for failure to produce instant abs

A newly opened gym in the Dublin area, Juice-Toners, has been rocked by a law suit just days after its grand opening.

 

Having launced with the slogan ''A six-pack is not just for Christmas - it's for life'', an outraged member has been left outraged by what he deems blatant foul-play under the Sales of Goods & Supply of Services Act 1978.

Big 'Big Bonez' De Large, from Navan, has gone to the extreme length of taking out a law suit against Juice-Toners.

The Spanner met Mr De Large at the drive-thru of a fast-food outlet - ''a rough halfway point'', he insisted - to hear his side of the story.

''It's a disgrace, they've taken us for fools,'' explained an incredulant Mr De Large. ''I joined that Gime [sic] based on their promise that I would become ripped and buff, and look!,'' he belched, shaking his paunch. ''Nothing.''

Trying to reason with our gassy friend that it was only the 3rd of January and that these things take time, we asked himto detail a typical daily ''work-out''.

''I've gotten a taxi down there everyday since joining, so you can see the commitment from my side. I get in and have the aul soup du jour and cheese pesto panini - as ya do - while watchin' the football in the canteen.

"Then I'd usually go down and sprawl myself in the aul steamer for a good hour to get the blood flowing. Completely starkers of course.

Then it's back up to the gym for cardio, The Star in hand. Twelve minutes on the bike, speed 6, then fourteen minutes on the treadmill, speed 5, incline 2.5; I'm really pumping now for a final 5 minute sprint on the cross-trainer.

"Then it's down to the pool for a few lengths on the Li-Lo. I finish with sauna for a bit of banter with the lads. Again, completely naked.''

''Then it's back up to the canteen for the All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet. Some days I've only had the one dish, followed by a sugary sweet of course. They do a particularly delicious banoffee. Mmmm.

Juice-Toners, for their part, have released a statement to calm the situation. ''Our motto was not to be taken literally; it's a figue of speech. We'd be happy to offer Mr De Large buffet vouchers for the year, and we'll nip this thing in the bud.''

Upon hearing of the statement, Mr De Large admitted he would ''eat on it.''

Paul Morrissey

 
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Topless Ukraine activist grabs Euro Cup

(Reuters) - A Ukrainian women's rights activist stripped to the waist and seized the Euro-2012 soccer trophy while it was on public display in Kiev on Saturday in a protest against the forthcoming month-long championship.

 
The young woman, 23-year-old Yulia Kovpachik, is a member of the Kiev-based Femen women's rights group which believes the Euro-2012 soccer tournament being played in Ukraine next month will encourage sex tourism.
 
Kovpachik strode up to the silver, 60 centimeter (two feet) high trophy, which was on display as a tourist attraction in an open air exhibition in central Kiev, ostensibly to be photographed alongside it like hundreds of other sightseers.
 
But she then pulled down her red T-shirt to reveal the words "Fuck Euro 2012" scrawled on her torso. As she grabbed hold of the cup with both hands, she was seized by security guards, who appeared to have had advanced warning of the protest.
 
They covered her with a sheet and took her off to a waiting police car.
 
The protest appeared to be the first action in a campaign against the championship by Femen which regularly stages bare-breast protests in Ukraine - and sometimes beyond - to highlight what it sees as political injustice, social abuse and the exploitation of women in Ukraine.
 
Femen says Euro-2012, which Ukraine is co-hosting with Poland next month with the final in Kiev on July 1, will be a magnet for sex tourists - one of the group's main targets - and will feed a booming sex industry.
 
About one million foreign tourists are expected in Ukraine for the Euros.
 
Organisers said the 8 kg (17 lbs) Henri Delaunay cup was undamaged though Kovpachik appeared to topple back under its weight as security guards seized her. It was still on show in late evening.
 
Femen's spokeswoman, Anna Gutsol, said Kovpachik, who staged the protest on her 23rd birthday, was released after being told she would have to appear in court on Monday on a charge of hooliganism. The charge carries a maximum fine of 800 hryvnias ($100) and 15 days detention.
 
Conscious of Ukraine's growing reputation as a new destination for sex tourism, Euro-2012 organisers say they are taking steps to curb prostitution during the month-long tournament.
 
After Kovpachik's protest, Femen activist Olexandra Shevchenko told reporters: "We came here today to stop this Euro fan low-life from making a bordello out of Ukraine."
 
City authorities have mounted the trophy in a temporary exhibition area on Kiev's Independence Square.
 
Hundreds of sightseers were queuing up under the blazing sun for souvenir photographs alongside it when Kovpachik staged her demonstration.
 
Independence Square itself will be the centre of a huge 'fan-zone' during Euro-2012, capable of holding tens of thousands of football supporters.

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