''I saw a niche and I attacked it somewhat over-zealously.'' That's the stand-out quote from the incredible statement produced by Senator David Norris in the aftermath of the scandal which had threatened to destroy his Presidential candidacy.

Essentially, his homosexuality was all a well-rehearsed ploy to eke out a political career.
''I surveyed the professional landscape while at Trinners and became increasingly drawn to the indolent, lackadaisical lifestyle that is the lot of the elected TD in Ireland. And, being an ivory tower intellectual, and hence lacking any real acumen for the political field, there was only one route in for me: go gay.

''It was all very deliberately orchestrated. Not for me the affected hand-flapping and affected effeminate pitch. Anything too exaggerated and I would have risked being ousted. No. I would just, be, gay.''

''It was all going to plan: my gayness effectively acted as a force-field through which no scrutiny could penetrate. It was great; no one ever asked me to comment on anything prosaic such as bailout defaults, or to offer my opinion on public spending cuts.''

''It was a dog's life. Everyone wanted to hang with the only gay in Government; I even got on TV with thon Lyndsey what was on Podge and Rodge. The Aras was in sight.

Then the digging started, cracks started appearing in my background story; if you'll pardon the pun, I made some schoolboy errors - I'd played the role too wholeheartedly! The liberal views on pederasty were entirely garnered from the film Alexander. ''Come on. I've never even read Joyce, - who has?, - I memorised the key quotes from Wikipedia.''

Having explained how he managed to consummate the heterosexual being in him all this time - ''incognito bi-annual trips to Amsterdam'' - he admitted he was looking forward to getting on with his old life, but that it will be a challenge.

'' I mean, aside from the services procured in the Dam, I haven't pulled a woman in a long time. I've forgotten all my old moves and what have you. I'll probably just go to Coppers, get fucked, and take it from there.''

Throwing his hat firmly back in the ring, he now believes he has as good a chance as anybody, as a non-descript hetero. We'll leave the last word to ''Nozzers'' (the sobriquet he now answers to).

‘‘This doesn’t change anything. I’m back in the Presidential race and have as good a chance as anybody; the skeletons are out my closet. How many other candidates can you say that about?’’

Paul Morrissey