New Year’s Eve is Valentine’s Day all over again - substitute a shedload of celebrities in place of an actual storyline or decent directing and you have a hit on your hands regardless of what the scriptwriters get up to. In any case people will pay to see their favourite celebrities on screen.

I say ‘celebrities’ rather than actors because with the likes of Jon Bon Jovi, Ludacris and Common on board (stick to the day jobs, guys), talent was clearly optional when doing the casting. Halle Berry, Jessica Biel, Robert De Niro, Josh Duhamel, Zac Efron, Katherine Heigl, Sarah Jessica Parker, Ashton Kutcher and Matthew Broderick, amongst many, many other well known names all feature.

One would be forgiven for thinking Hallmark sponsored this film. For what other reason would you hire so many celebrities to collectively ram the message down people’s throats that they must get in on the orgy of goodwill on New Year’s Eve and join thousands of others in watching a clock strike down to midnight? Otherwise, as is the case with one of the characters, you’re dismissed as being full of yourself and a party pooper.

As one would expect with this type of film, clichés abound; in one story, a guy tells how he met a woman at the previous New Year’s Eve and they made a pact that they would meet at a designated place the following December 31st if they were still thinking of each other. This is the sub plot amongst many that made least sense to me.

If you’re reading this and are still intent on going to see the celebrity love-in, I’ll avoid dropping in any spoilers. However, suffice it to say that the mystery woman who managed to beguile this rich socialite who constantly has women throwing themselves at him made less than no sense to me when she was revealed. Absolutely none.

Another character is dying and only wishes to see the ball drop at Times Square one last time before he dies. I thought it was great, the amount of times that various characters referred to ball drops and dropping balls and other things to do with balls without once cracking up at the blatant euphemisms on show.

No New Year’s Eve would be quite complete without paying homage to the brave American soldiers and the sacrifices they make yadda yadda yadda to keep the US, and by extension the rest of the world, safe.

Am I missing any other clichés? Oh yes, reunions of all sorts abound and a contest for the first baby of the year to be born is dragged out for the duration of the film.

A guy gets caught in a lift for a few hours with a girl who is his polar opposite in terms of just about every personality trait and somehow all sorts of unlikely happenings happen.Not because they’re bored and have nothing else better to do, mind you, but because it’s New Year’s Eve, dammit, and hence it’s the second most relevant event of the year after Valentine’s Day.

The most ridiculous cliché, however, is the story of a woman with a list of New Year’s Eve resolutions that she wants to see completed by midnight (as if ticking off resolutions actually means you’re living life and not just existing - surely making a list in itself defeats the whole point?)

I suggest that if you’re going to make a resolution this year, make it a promise to yourself that you won’t waste two hours of your life. Don’t see this film.

Christine Brookes