The Spanner has identified several controversial new measures in next week's budget that will wreak havoc with everyday student life.

"Shagging" with low quality condoms, watching Home nd Away during the day, eating pizza, and even the magical art of "shifting" won't be safe in this year's budget, as all are set to be taxed.

Firstly, low quality condoms will be hit with a 5% tax increase as the government tries to kill two birds with one stone, so to speak, as they raise additional revenue and hope to encourage people to use higher quality condoms and therefore reduce the future child benefit bill.

A government insider said it's time for students to be patriotic and take greater care when fornicating to help the country in its time in need.

The beloved beverage of students everywhere, 'Dutch Gold' is set to face a 10% tax increase as the government tries to take advantage of the country's love for the Belgian-created phenomenon.

A cabinet minister who asked not to be named said: "I love supping a fine can of Dutch and lying in my own filth while suffering erratic bowel movements as much as the students do but we are going to have to pay more."

Student procrastination is not exempt from the budget as watching Home and Away during the day for over 5 minutes will result in a bill being sent to the viewer's house as the government
try to cash in on the show's popularity and punish lack of taste.

Another popular aspect of student life, especially among the male population, is playing Pro Evo for hours among end - usually to the detriment of their attendance record.

Well, lecturers can rejoice as playing Pro Evo and Fifa will now require a fee-based permit similar to the gun license and 'Footy Sim' Inspectors will be going to student houses across the country to check if permits are valid.

An illegal underground movement untitled "Pro Evo Club" where students will play Pro Evo illegally is already rumored to be surfacing in an unknown location under Phoenix park with a source saying that "The first rule of Pro Evo Club will be not to speak of Pro Evo Club".

Enda Kenny and his goons are also considering creating a 'saliva-swap' tax which will mean that any person that decides they want to shift in the nightclub will have to pay a 'shift commissioner' who will roam around nightclubs making sure people pay their way.

People will be able to buy credits upon entry into a nightclub with more serial shifters having to pay more as they enter into the club.

The government anticipates that nightclubs like Coppers will raise billions in revenue over the year.

Students across the country are set to be shocked over the measures as they contemplate the horrible reality of less obesity, risky sex, mono and more study.

Seamus Dunne