Unlock the secret feature now!

Fresh scandal engulfed the Irish Catholic church this week as it emerged that its newly launched ‘Vocations App’, which was designed to test people’s suitability for the priesthood, contains a hidden feature which shows the location of nearby children.

Accessing the feature only becomes possible after completing a ‘celibacy test’ which aims to asses a person’s willpower and willingness to relegate their sex life to an occasionally guilty wank.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said App user Joe Hollie. “I thought the Catholic Church had put all that sex abuse stuff behind them and were concentrating on more traditional activities like making money and keeping poor people ignorant of science.

“I downloaded the app and was doing the celibacy test. At one point it showed me a picture of a sheep, Georgia Salpa, Ryan Tubridy and an 8-year-old boy and asked which one I felt most sexually attracted to.

“I tried to press the button beside Georgia but my palms had gotten sweaty looking at her and I accidentally clicked on the young lad instead. Then a message popped up saying I was definitely suitable for the priesthood and that I’d unlocked a ‘special feature’. Sly bastards!”

The ‘Kidfinder’ feature tracks underage mobile phone users and displays their location on a map, so users can meet them to ‘Talk about Jesus. Preferably somewhere nice and secret.’

Church spokesperson P. Doherty said that any such feature in the App was ‘totally unapproved’ as they would never condone using modern technology when the old methods still worked fine.

Doherty refused to confirm reports that the Spanish version of the app also contained potential valuations for each child and a list of adoptive parents who would be willing to buy them.