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Mark Deane

For Limerick couple Sinead ‘Shinners’ Loughlin & Gary ’Gaz’ Martin their long tense wait is over. A DNA maternity test revealed today that Sinead is indeed the mother of now 16 month old Alice Martin.

Though the couple have been together for over three years, Gary admitted to Sinead two months ago that he had been having an affair with his ex girlfriend Tracy Connors. This prompted the beginning of the couples woes.

"How do I even know das my child now?”, roared a tearful Sinead after he broke the news to her, pointing at little Alice.

Despite Martin’s assurances that Alice was hers, matters were complicated for the couple by the arrival of Tracy who claimed that Alice was her daughter.

“Das my yung one”, Tracy claimed, again pointing at the innocent little girl, “an das my fella too”, pointing to Martin.

In a scene reminiscent of Jerry Springer - or an ordinary day at the local Weston Deli- both women claimed motherhood over the young Alice and their love for her father Gary. The ménage a trois were at a loss on how to proceed.

Clearly both woman’s claims of motherhood for the baby girl were equally valid since both had had sexual relations with Martin nine months before her birth and both were fertile ladies of child bearing age and of child bearing carriage.

A conundrum wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a box with a question mark on it and locked with a key to which no one had possession, had presented itself.

“I dunno wot to do”, Martin confessed to his friend Billy ’Rashers’ Toomey. Rashers, stroking his knacker tash for inspiration was suddenly struck with a rare epiphany.

“Git one a dem mudder tests”, he suggested.“A wha?” Martin is reported to have replied.
“A ma-whore-nity test”, Rashers said.

Speaking to The Spanner this afternoon Martin told us the rest.
“So I got my stanley and cut a drap a blood oudda Sinead and de baby, wa’s her name, Alice, yaaaaa. Den de doctor did de rest. Sort’ed.”.

Though Dr. Gerry Flaherty who performed the maternity test admits that the whole affair was “quite preposterous” he told us he believed it easier to just tell them that a test confirmed Sinead’s maternity rather than explain to the three the rudimentary principles of human biology.