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Man makes plans to get very drunk on Paddy’s day

Ireland’s national holiday, St. Patrick’s Day is a day for national pride, parades, and a piss-ups.
Regardless of our farcical politics and economic doom, Irish people are revered and celebrated worldwide on this day, when the world decorates itself in green bunting and sticks on a shamrock brooch.

The Spanner spoke to local man, Joe McAverage about his plans for the day.

“I’ll probably be heading down the village for the parade anyway. You have to go to the parade. It’s shite though, I don’t know why I ever bother. Suppose you usually get a free lolly or two. And there’s usually a few rides hanging around the place. Maybe some of the rides will eat their lollies in a sexy way. Yeah fuck it, I’ll definitely head down to the parade.

I’ll tell you one thing for sure though - I’m getting absolutely wrecked, man. I mean, I’ll be absolutely oscified. I’m gonna be fuckin’ legless. I’ll be pissed AND locked, seriously. I’m going to be totally gazebo’d. Hammered, I’ll tell ya that. If you see me, don’t bother even trying to talk to me, because I’ll be absolutely out of it. I’ll probably be complaining about there being too much blood in my alcohol system, wha!

“I’m pulling a sickie on Friday, because I reckon I’ll be mad hungover, because of being so drunk the day before! I’ll be drunk from all the alcohol I’m drinking, see. I’ll be drinking loads of alcohol, if you know what I mean. Pint after pint, shot after shot. Tuborg, Dutch Gold, Mickey Finn's - you name it, I drink it. The more you drink, the drunker you get like, so if I drink more, I’ll be drunker. My speech will probably be all slurred and my inhibitions will be lower, as these are the recognised effects of alcohol.”

It is thought that Joe is also drowning his sorrows after narrowly missing out on being elected to the Dáil in the recent General Election.

 
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Topless Ukraine activist grabs Euro Cup

(Reuters) - A Ukrainian women's rights activist stripped to the waist and seized the Euro-2012 soccer trophy while it was on public display in Kiev on Saturday in a protest against the forthcoming month-long championship.

 
The young woman, 23-year-old Yulia Kovpachik, is a member of the Kiev-based Femen women's rights group which believes the Euro-2012 soccer tournament being played in Ukraine next month will encourage sex tourism.
 
Kovpachik strode up to the silver, 60 centimeter (two feet) high trophy, which was on display as a tourist attraction in an open air exhibition in central Kiev, ostensibly to be photographed alongside it like hundreds of other sightseers.
 
But she then pulled down her red T-shirt to reveal the words "Fuck Euro 2012" scrawled on her torso. As she grabbed hold of the cup with both hands, she was seized by security guards, who appeared to have had advanced warning of the protest.
 
They covered her with a sheet and took her off to a waiting police car.
 
The protest appeared to be the first action in a campaign against the championship by Femen which regularly stages bare-breast protests in Ukraine - and sometimes beyond - to highlight what it sees as political injustice, social abuse and the exploitation of women in Ukraine.
 
Femen says Euro-2012, which Ukraine is co-hosting with Poland next month with the final in Kiev on July 1, will be a magnet for sex tourists - one of the group's main targets - and will feed a booming sex industry.
 
About one million foreign tourists are expected in Ukraine for the Euros.
 
Organisers said the 8 kg (17 lbs) Henri Delaunay cup was undamaged though Kovpachik appeared to topple back under its weight as security guards seized her. It was still on show in late evening.
 
Femen's spokeswoman, Anna Gutsol, said Kovpachik, who staged the protest on her 23rd birthday, was released after being told she would have to appear in court on Monday on a charge of hooliganism. The charge carries a maximum fine of 800 hryvnias ($100) and 15 days detention.
 
Conscious of Ukraine's growing reputation as a new destination for sex tourism, Euro-2012 organisers say they are taking steps to curb prostitution during the month-long tournament.
 
After Kovpachik's protest, Femen activist Olexandra Shevchenko told reporters: "We came here today to stop this Euro fan low-life from making a bordello out of Ukraine."
 
City authorities have mounted the trophy in a temporary exhibition area on Kiev's Independence Square.
 
Hundreds of sightseers were queuing up under the blazing sun for souvenir photographs alongside it when Kovpachik staged her demonstration.
 
Independence Square itself will be the centre of a huge 'fan-zone' during Euro-2012, capable of holding tens of thousands of football supporters.

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