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Limerick Good Friday Agreement - City Publican to be crucified

By Waterford Whispers News

Limerick city publicans have come to an agreement with senior Gardai about the possibility of opening bars on Good Friday for Munster and Leinster rugby fans.

The chairman of the Limerick City Vintners, Jerry O'Dea, said that his organisation had already had a "productive" meeting with Limerick Garda chief superintendent Dave Sheahan about a possible human sacrifice on good Friday - if they are given the go ahead to open their pubs for the duration of the rugby game.

"The sacrifice will have to be someone from the bar trade, it is only fair. We will put a lottery system into place so that there will be no bias." stated Supt. Sheehan.

Over 26,000 fans are expected to attend the 2 April evening fixture, but because of the licensing laws and deep Christian faith in Ireland, the pubs are not allowed to open on Good Friday.

"A publican crucifixion is the only way around this" claimed O'Dea. "It is only fair that we should have some sort of sacrifice for our ungodly opening times. It is what Jesus would have wanted."

Limerick Chamber of Commerce has estimated that this rugby fixture will probably contribute up to €110 billion to the local economy, but that prediction is debatable.

The names of 120 Limerick publicans will be put into a raffle drum and then spun in an anti-clockwise direction to add to the drama. One name will be picked at random by a selected independent adjudicator. This martyr lottery will take place on Thursday the 1st of April in Henry Street Garda station.

The 'chosen one' will then be treated to a beautiful three course supper in Jurys Inn with twelve of his peers, followed by the crowning of the thorns in the hotel foyer and then 39 lashes in the residents bar.

The carrying of the cross will begin on O'Connell street at 3pm on good Friday and end in Moyross sometime after that.

In completely unrelated news:
Alcoholics of the world grateful for St. Patrick's Day midweek drinking
Grand Slam still on insists O'Callaghan
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Irishman makes "billion-euro home" of shredded notes

(Reuters) - An unemployed Irish artist has built a home from the shredded remains of 1.4 billion euros ($1.82 billion), a monument to the "madness" he says has been wrought on Ireland by the single currency, from a spectacular construction boom to a wrenching bust.

Frank Buckley built the apartment in the lobby of a Dublin office building that has lain vacant since its completion four years ago at the peak of an ill-fated construction boom, using bricks of shredded euro notes he borrowed from Ireland's national mint.

"It's a reflection of the whole madness that gripped us," Buckley said of what he calls his "billion-euro home."

"People were pouring billions into buildings now worth nothing," he said. "I wanted to create something from nothing."

A wave of cheap credit flowed into Ireland in the early 2000s after Ireland joined the currency zone fuelling a huge property bubble that transformed the country.

The bubble's collapse since 2007 plunged Ireland into the deepest recession in the industrialized world, forcing the former "Celtic Tiger" to accept a humiliating bailout from the EU and the IMF.

Buckley was given a 100 percent mortgage at the peak of the boom to buy a 365,000 euro home on the far reaches of Dublin's commuter belt, despite the fact he had no steady income.

He has separated from his wife who lives in the home, which has since lost at least one-third of its value.

Living in his "billion euro home" since the start of December, Buckley is working on adding a kitchen to the living room and hall.

The walls and floor are covered in euro shreddings and the house is so warm Buckley sleeps without a blanket.

Pictures made from notes and coins decorate the walls, including one of a house, made from Irish 5 pence pieces.

"There are houses in Ireland worth less than that," Buckley quips.

Buckley said he wants Europe's politicians to solve the eurozone debt crisis without destroying its currency. But if the currency ultimately fails, he will happily use the euro zone's defunct notes as fodder for future projects.

"Whatever you say about the euro, it's a great insulator."