Cameron: No longer relevant

The ‘Arab Spring’ claimed an unexpected scalp this week as violence and unrest spread to the streets of the English capital.

Dissatisfaction with the brutal Tory regime has been growing steadily of late and it appears the touch paper was finally lit when a local man was shot dead in mysterious circumstances in the Tottenham area on Saturday evening. Protestors took to the streets in response to news of the man’s death and things quickly descended into chaos when forces loyal to the regime were sent in to quell the situation. Rebels systematically set ablaze iconic symbols of the regime, including a local Carpetright store and a double-decker bus, before turning their attention to areas in which better shops were located.

After the initial violence had died down, a spokesperson for the London Metropolitan Police gave journalists a guided tour of the destruction, claiming that the unrest had been nothing more than the antisocial behaviour of thugs and looters. However, these claims could not be independently verified.

News of the protests has come as a shock to the rest of the civilised world and negotiations are now reportedly under way at NATO headquarters to initiate a comprehensive campaign of air strikes over the UK aimed at securing a no-fly zone, which, according to NATO, will allow the rebels to take on the regime on a ‘level playing field’. “It’s quite clear to see from the images on the news that Prime Minister Cameron’s leadership no longer has any legitimacy,” said French President Nicolas Sarkozy at a press conference in Paris, “we have seen literally minutes of footage showing hundreds of rebels expressing their desire for regime change, how much more evidence do we need before something is done? Action must be taken.”

In a bold move, Libya has officially recognized the North London rebels as the legitimate government of the United Kingdom. The North London diplomats have reportedly made themselves right at home in the British embassy in Tripoli, kitting the place out with brand new carpets, flatscreen televisions, and Bang and Olufsen sound systems in every room. In other news, Western governments have decided that social networking is no longer a positive tool that helps foster free speech and freedom of expression and is instead an instrument of pure evil created by the Devil himself.

Johnny McGee