Kinkladze - class

Following the shock return of Thierry Henry to Arsenal and Manchester United’s Paul Scholes forsaking retirement, Premier League rivals Manchester City and Chelsea have moved to close the ‘retiree gap’ by enticing former players out of retirement themselves.

Georgian genius Georgi Kinkladze is expected to lead City's title charge in the absence of Africa Cup of Nations bound Yaya Toure, and, despite being 38, is described by City as being “in much condition than Owen Hargreaves”.

Chelsea have also reacted to the glut of returning former stars by handing Blues legend Gianfranco Zola a short term-contract.

“He’s not much of a manager but he hasn’t lost the skills,” said a Stamford Bridge source of the 45-year-old. “He can’t be any worse than Torres anyway.

Meanwhile, after making his shock return to United’s squad last Sunday, Hollywood executives are in talks with Paul Scholes to make a film based on the life and return of “The Ginger Knight”.

Rumours are rife on the internet about who will play the role of iconic United midfielder, with Mick Hucknall, Brendan Gleeson, Chris Evans, and the ginger one from Girls Aloud all reportedly in the running.

Much of the script has leaked onto the net with the film beginning with Scholes after months in the wilderness struggling with life away from football, watching too much day time TV and getting frustrated at his inability to succeed at “Countdown”.

He is however happy with the new United and happy that all is well in Manchester with his team still conquering. But there is a blue storm coming.

Villains Roberto Mancini (Al Pacino) and Mario Balotelli (Denzel Washington) have invaded the city and are focused on causing the downfall of United and their stranglehold over the city.

The very noisy neighbours cause havoc, storming to the top of the league and causing United and its Legendary Knight Sir Alex Ferguson played by Billy Connolly, sleepless nights especially after a 6-1 massacre at Old Trafford.

Rumours are rife that Connolly has gone to extreme measures in method acting to accurately portray Ferguson including locking himself into a hotel room and chewing Wrigleys’ extra for hours on end.

Ferguson, according to reported plot leaks, runs around Old Trafford after the calamitous 6-1 hammering frantically screaming “He must come back, he must come back!”

United decide to build a spotlight on top of Old Trafford with the number 18 illuminating into the night sky hoping, pleading, for Scholes, the Ginger Knight to return.

The rest of the film and the plot will not be put together until the season concludes with the big hitters in Hollywood hoping for a dramatic United victory in the Premiership race to help seal a masterpiece of a script. (If you’re a United fan).

Seamus Dunne