Julian Assange - dirty hands

The founder of the government watchdog website Wikileaks, Julian Assange, faces further legal difficulties after the American government issued an international warrant for this arrest through Interpol.

After the New York rock group pointed out that they had no involvement in arresting people however, the US authorities then reissued the warrant through the International Criminal Police Organization.

“The American government requests that you detain and extradite one Julian Assange,” it reads. “He is wanted on charges of ‘failure to exercise appropriate hygiene’”.

The charge is a new crime which was only introduced into American law this week. It allows for the seemingly severe sentence of 30 to 40 years in prison for those convicted of not washing their hands after going to the toilet.

“This is absolutely not a made up charge to try and imprison someone who has revealed our secrets,” said American Attorney General Eric ‘Noddy’ Holder.

“We take this crime very seriously. Not washing your hands after going to the toilet can spread disease. In fact, in this case, I believe the accused was at a party where peanuts and other finger food was being served, meaning the death penalty applies.

The U.S has also issued several other warrants against Assange, among them the crimes of ‘Having a weird name’, ‘Slagging off Barack Obama’s mother’ and ‘Not understanding why Americans have to shout all the time.’

Assange has already been arrested in the UK for extradition to Sweden on sexual assault charges, charges which were originally dropped by Stockholm prosecutors due to lack of evidence and then reinstated by a prosecutor from a different city.

He claims the charges are a politically motivated response to Wikileaks’ release of government intelligence, though suspicion remains that nobody with hair that weird would be able to legimately seduce a Swedish girl.

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