The Rock prepares to shoot his nostril lasers at the glowing sky object.

The problem with Journey 2 is The Rock’s weird wrestler nipples. I couldn’t take my eyes off them. I know you can’t get The Rock to star in your movie and not put a tight shirt on him, but do you have to keep the green-screen stage so bracingly cold? Obviously The Rock is an upgrade on Brendan Fraser. Too bad they blew their budget getting him.

I mean, I assume that’s what happened. Either that or the writer had a stroke mid-script and everyone was too polite to say anything. The Rock makes one seriously irresponsible stepfather though. And who has the standby cash for a drop-of-the-hat jaunt to Palau in this economy? And with a few thousand left over to hire Luis Guzmán and daughter for a quick helicopter ride into a dangerous storm. Wasteful.

His fucking nipples though, seriously. They hang at least 2, 3 inches lower than a regular human’s, they’re persistently erect, and at one point – as if worried we weren’t paying enough attention to it – he makes them dance. I’m serious. Why are there cobwebs on the Nautilus? Who brought spiders onto a submarine?

His nipples are interfering with that tiny elephant.

How did Atlantis survive, hidden, for thousands of years only to crumble beneath the feet of The Rock almost as soon as he arrives? A volcano that erupts gold? The fuck is going on in this movie?

Oh and daddy issues. The kid from the first movie has grown up to be the kid from Tron: Legacy. He rides a motorcycle, wears a cool leather jacket, has no respect for the law, and his youthful hijinks are actually just a cover for his earnest efforts to maintain the family heritage. That’d be Adventuring.

Then they get The Rock to play ‘What a Wonderful World’ on ukulele. I’m serious. Nipple frenzy. What is the American obsession with daddy issues? Name me One character on Lost who didn’t have them. Go on, try. I double dare you. What, you didn’t watch Lost? Fuck is wrong with you?

What the fuck is wrong with Hollywood? Here they’ve got this mecca for actors, directors and screenwriters and they can’t churn out One decent movie with The Rock and Luis Guzmán?

That's where he keeps his Tic Tacs.

I mean, I went into this movie knowing it was going to be nonsense. But I had faith in The Rock. He’s a charming motherfucker. I saw The Tooth Fairy, I know what he’s capable of. But this… So this kid’s grandpa spends his half his life trying to find The Mysterious Island Verne was on about, deciphering codes hidden in the works of three different authors from different periods and then he goes and gets lost and The Rock figures out the same code in (no exaggeration) 30 seconds.

I get that The Rock was trying to ingratiate himself with his disobedient step-brat by entertaining the whole grandpa-found-a-fictional-world thing, but he took the kid to the middle of the Pacific and then hired a helicopter that looked like it had just crash landed to fly them out to a hurricane. They only picked Guzmán’s helicopter cause his daughter is played by that girl who was in High School Musical. I bet The Rock got a nipple boner as soon as he saw her.

Oh, and Michael Caine is in this movie. For fuck's sake.

Danny O'Leary