John Terry in the Chelsea players' lounge

Chelsea FC have stunned the footballing world by choosing not to discipline captain John Terry for his off-field discretions. Instead they have decided to reward him with a new and improved contract containing revolutionary employment terms.

The England skipper, and all round arrogant cockney twat, was outed by the tabloids at the weekend for having had an affair with the wife of former teammate Wayne Bridge and paying for her to have an abortion.

Chelsea have now moved to ensure such secrecy isn’t required again - all new signings will now be told in advance that Terry has the right to shag anyone who takes his fancy. This includes wives, daughters, mothers, aunts and grandmothers, and indeed any combination of these at once.

The club were apparently inspired to offer the new conditions after watching Mel Gibson’s classic movie Braveheart, in which English Lords were shown to have first go on newly married brides under the law of ‘prima noctae’.

Fears of violent reprisals from Scots were calmed when it was realised that no Scottish player was good enough to make it in the door at Chelsea.

“It makes sense really,” said club spokesman Igor Sonavabitch. “Why should we get all worked up about JT screwing over an average left back like Wayne Bridge? Wayne should build a bridge and get up on it, just like Terry did. Boom!

“No but seriously, we’re just being realistic. The better a person is at playing football, the more he should be allowed to do whatever he wants. Hell, if John wants to shoot Cashley Cole as well, I’ll help him pick out a gun. If survival of the fittest is good enough for Chuck Darwin then it’s good enough for us.”

Some of the club’s possible transfer targets have expressed mixed reactions to the initiative. Atletico Madrid’s Sergio Aguero was enthusiastic about the prospect of sharing his wife, daughter of Diego Maradona, saying “Si si take her please. She is more loco than her papa, and he’s as mad as a Liverpool season ticket holder.”

But Real Madrid’s Cristiano Ronaldo gave the proposal a more cautious welcome, saying ‘only if he’d take me first.’

England manager Fabio Capello is understood to be furious at the allegations, and is considering giving the captaincy to a player who is more discreet when seeing his ‘goomah’, and who understands that secret meetings are for the running of mass criminal enterprise only.