John Terry has apologised for his erroneous racist slur on Anton Ferdinand but maintained his racist ideology and insisting he was "concentrating too hard on the match to deliver the correct remark."

''It's a simple nomenclature issue," JT explained, speaking in the third person. ''Anton is not black, he is mixed race. JT has done some research and has unearthed his historic genealogy: Anton’s a fusion of Irish and Caribbean blood, and is hence not 'black' in the true sense of the word.''

" In light of JT’s mistake, no court in the land can find him guilty of racism in this case, so JT will be hanging on to his England captaincy aka The Blowjob Magnet, thank you very much."

"JT is impelled, however, to reiterate his racist ideology and make clear that this in no way qualifies him as a racial pacifist," JT continued.

"Allow JT to illustrate this: instead of shouting at him 'Anton you facking black c**t, facking knob’ead’, JT should really have said something along the lines of 'Anton, you facking milk chocolate Fenian kahnt', or something to that effect."

"JT is working on being more discreet in his bigotry in the future because this business of just shouting his mouth off is too dangerous with so many amateur lip-readers out there. A crash course in ventriloquism may iron this out and JT promises to consider pursuing this.

"Failing this, JT will consider keeping his white supremacy theories to himself until he gets home, whereupon he’ll unleash all of his pent up bile in front of the mirror, wearing only his captain’s armband. John Terry, one England captain."

The FA released a typically flappy response, simply stating "He may have a point you know."

Paul Morrissey