It’s census time once again and as per usual the eyes of the Irish nation are focused on the theological ‘hot potato’ that is question number 12 — religion. To make matters a little more interesting this time around, Minister for Education, Skills, and Champagne Socialism, Ruairi Quinn, has announced that the issue of school patronage is finally on the table for review.

It’s been a tumultuous time recently for the Catholic Church in Ireland with more and more Irish men and women choosing to turn their back on millennia-old dogma in favour of critical thought, logic, and scientific reasoning. However, the downward trend in mass attendance figures up and down the country has somehow not managed to affect the church’s dominant position within the public education system. Having cornered the market in education, religious guilt, and sexual abuse of the young and vulnerable, many are now starting to suggest that the Church might hold a level of power in Irish society that is not reflected in the actual demographics of the island.

With the latest census results expected to deal another hammer blow to the beleaguered religious institution, the state is now keen to seek patronage for the education system from other sources and they have found interest from some unlikely corners. At a press conference announcement this week, Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn said that the Jedi would be “more than happy to step up to the plate and help the Catholic church divest some of its interests within the education sector,” claiming that the strong surge in numbers within their own community according to recent census statistics gives them a solid mandate upon which to undertake such a role.

However, some critics have voiced concern that if the Jedi were to get a foothold within the education system they might try and make ‘The Force’ a compulsory subject at both Junior Cert and Leaving Cert level, which would discriminate against many Fine Gael supporters who can’t even be bothered learning Irish never mind a complex, metaphysical code of intergalactic ethics. In response to these accusations, Master Qui-Gon Jinn simply stared intently at the journalists in attendance and said “we ARE the patrons you are looking for.”

-Johnny McGee