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Israel attacks pedal boats in Mediterranean, claims self defence

Israel has further outraged the international community after sinking three pedalo boats off the coast of Cyprus, which had strayed within 400 km of the coast of Gaza.

Irishman Declan ‘Deccy’ Murphy and his family had hired the pedal operated boats for what he said was a family day out, but the group of brightly coloured, slow moving vessels came under attack from Israeli forces, in a ground and air assault.

“We were just on a week’s holiday in Ayia Napa like,” said Murphy. “We thought it might be a bit of craic to hire some of those pedalo yokes.

“Next thing we know there’s lads jumping out of helicopters firing machine guns at us. It’s a good job we’re from Limerick so we knew how to react to gunfire and hit the deck. It’s a miracle no one was killed.”

A spokesperson for the IAF (Israeli Aggression Force) claimed that the pedaloes were part of a ‘terrorist convoy’ which was intent on breaching its 3 year old naval blockade of the Gaza strip.

“The terrorists were intent on smuggling supplies into Gaza,” said General Moshe Moshe. “We discovered contraband foodstuffs, which they were clearly planning on giving to the ghetto dwellers, I mean Palestinians.”

Responding to the claims, Murphy said he no idea what the General was talking about. “We had a cooler with a few cans of coke and hang sandwiches like,” he said. “Don’t thing the arab lads would have ate them either tho?”

“As for going to Gaza, I’ve to be back in work on Monday, I’d imagine it would take a few months of pedalling to get that far. These yokes cost by the hour you know.”

‘I’m fair mad to be honest. I know the lads were treated shockingly in the past, and near extermination would make anyone a bit paranoid, but does that really mean they get to act like bullies forever? My cousin had anger issues as well, he’s whacked out of it on valium now though, he’s calmed down big style.

American President Barrack Obama initially condemned the attacks, saying ‘piracy in interntational waters is completely unacceptable’ but issued a revised statement after realising Israel was involved which called on “our buddies who inexplicably receive nearly 3 billion in direct military aid from us to send an apology note or one of those funny e cards.”

A UN security council resolution which sought to designate Israel as a ‘rogue state’ along the lines of North Korea, was also vetoed by the US, on the grounds that “We don’t have a North Korean lobby which has a disproportionate influence on our foreign policy.” 

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Miami named most miserable U.S. city

(Reuters) - Warm sun, white beaches, and million-dollar mansions notwithstanding, Miami has captured the dubious distinction of being the most miserable city in the United States, according to a new poll.

The playground of the rich and famous is home to a crippling housing crisis, one of the highest crime rates in the country, and lengthy daily commutes for workers, all of which have propelled it to the No. 1 position in the Forbes.com list.

"Miami has sun and beautiful weather but other things make people miserable. You have this two-tier society: glitzy South Beach attracts celebrities, but the income inequality has skyrocketed in recent years," explained Forbes Senior Editor Kurt Badenhausen.

The rankings are based on factors including jobless rates, violent crime, foreclosures, income and property taxes, as well as considerations like weather, commute time and political corruption.

Reeling for decades from the decline of the U.S. auto industry, Michigan's troubled duo of Detroit and Flint registered at No. 2 and No. 3, respectively, among the most miserable cities.

"Detroit and Flint are struggling," said Badenhausen. "Violent crime is highest in the country in Detroit; housing prices are down 55 percent. Detroit is closing schools and laying off policemen. In recent years they have been demolishing houses to change their city landscapes"

West Palm Beach, Florida and Sacramento, California rounded out the top five cities.

"We're trying to judge cities where residents have a lot of complaints. It doesn't mean that there aren't terrific things there," he said.

And for the haves Miami's charms remain undiminished.

"The one percent in Miami is doing fantastic. But for the vast majority, who make less than $75,000 (a year), Miami can be a challenging place," he said. "Forty-seven percent of homeowners sit on underwater mortgages. That's tough."