Sorry did we say ‘Scandal’? We meant to say ‘Sandal’! That’s right, several Irish colleges and Institutes of Technology have been involved in teaming up to make the world’s largest pornographic sandal.

It has been hailed as an unprecedented hallmark of co-operation between Irish third-level institutions. A reminder of the potential of what can be achieved when differences are set aside and we work towards a collective goal; namely, the crafting of a vast, novelty sandal measuring some 50ft in length adorned with powerfully explicit pornographic material.

Extensive murals, triptychs and frescoes will adorn the sandal, including but not limited to:

-Grand Designs erotic fan-fiction; a somewhat bitter middle-aged couple, more usually concerned with arguing over the spiralling projected cost of their new skirting-boards, are engaged in full penetrative sex. Their writhing bodies are wrapped by a sweaty bed-sheet, like some powerfully erotic, yet utterly unappetising, burrito; the passionate allure of romance providing brief respite from the worries of renovation. Meanwhile, Kevin McCloud prowls in the background of their boudoir, loudly discussing the various merits of knocking through into their spare-room. He mentions the phrases “utilising your space better” and, “potential en-suite material”; Nigel valiantly carries on with Maureen, determined not to let Kevin throw him off his stride.

-A depiction of withered love-stallion Ron Jeremy clutching a microwave-warmed water-melon. Mustering what little is left of his expiring prowess, he shamelessly ploughs himself into a hole in the fruit he’s bored himself using a hand-drill and a spoon. An elderly, neighbour who owed Mr. Jeremy a favour after Ron helped collect his hedge trimmings, grimly records the proceedings on a somewhat obsolete camcorder. -This scene is painted in water-colours.

College Porn

A family visiting the porn sandal while it’s under construction.

-An oil-on-sandal-canvas triptych, its first panel portraying Pat Kenny smearing honey on a freshly-shaven alpaca. The central panel shows the smooth body of the South American ungulate glistening under the thick, shimmering syrup that now coats it. Kenny and the glistening beast stand together on a cliff-edge, surveying the sun setting over a mountainous panorama. The final panel shows Mr. Kenny shoving the alpaca off the cliff-edge. The sticky beast gets coated in debris as it tumbles, a contorted blizzard of limbs, to the ground below; Mr. Kenny watches on, hard as a rock.

It is widely reported to be the largest obscene sandal in the history of humanity and cost upwards of €17, and countless reputations, to create.

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