The extreme weather conditions affecting Ireland were revealed today to be part of a secret agreement between the soon-to-be-ex Irish Government, the EU and the IMF to try and stabilise the euro.

An exclusive dual undercover investigation by The Spanner and Wikileaky, which included paying bribes of refresher bars (The big ones from the 90’s not the current midget ones) and vague promises of procuring attractive ladies phone numbers has discovered the shocking truth: We are being frozen to prevent our toxic economy doing any more damage to the single currency.

Whistle-blowing website Wikileaky intercepted a number of classified communications between the EU and the IMF in which they discussed “Freezing the problem at source until the wider Eurozone has stabilised.

Our Brussells source Shallow Cough confirmed the theory, saying: “There’s no doubt that the EU and IMF are behind the cold snap. They’ve purchased Siberian air from Vladimir Putin and pumped it over Ireland in the hope that they can freeze you for a couple of years, giving the Eurozone a chance to regain its strength before dealing with the mess your incompetent bankers and political leaders have created.

“Britian raised a brief objection as they were concerned about safety for their stag dos and hen parties if Dublin was under 10 feet of snow, but an agreement has been reached to relocate Temple Bar to central London for the period of the freeze. It makes sense, it’s mostly Brits hanging around there anyhow.

While scientists have successfully frozen and thawed out smaller animals such as flies and mice, this is the first time a mass freezing of humans has been attempted.

Shockingly, rather than raising the health issue with the EU and IMF it appears the Government were only to happy to agree to the freeze.

“Your Feeny Fail politicians are as we say in Belgium, dirty f**king weasels,” said Shallow Cough. “They have agreed to the freeze in the hope that the Irish citizens will have forgotten everything by the time they are rethawed. They plan to blame it all on Enda Kenny and take credit for the re-emergence of the sun. Schwine!”

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