The battered north Atlantic island state of Oyerland is bracing itself for more punishment from the universe this week, as widespread flooding and water shortages formed the cherry on top of an iced bun of misery.

Previously held wisdom that bad things only happened in 3s has been shattered, as Ireland has experienced a succession of recent blows - with events such as the property crash and economic recession exacerbated by cheating Frenchman and the successful TV career of Brendan O’Connor.

A variety of explanations have been offered as to how the Irish people might have offended the creator, from the vain excesses of the Celtic Tiger to Jedward and the horrors of RTE’s autumn ‘comedy’ schedule.

In a significant development, a woman in Ballinasloe claimed yesterday that a statue of the Virgin Mary has ordered her to track down and destroy the creators of the Val Falvey TD televison atrocity.

Reports of zombie sightings in Dublin remain unconfirmed however, with one source suggesting that TV3’s Vincent Browne may accidentally have been mistaken for one of the undead flesh eaters.

A number of other society groupings and organisations have also released statements on the crisis.

The Catholic Church has urged the nation to ‘have a good pray and confess all our sins’. An open letter from Pope Benny XVI declared that the Church was ‘willing to utilise all of its supplies of holy water and crucifixes in the fight against the zombie menace. As long as we can forget about all of that riding kids stuff. Deal?’

Irish Farmurs Association President Paddy Fitzpatrick has demanded that farmers be compensated by the fourth German Reich (aka the EU) for any locusts found on their land, regardless of crop damage.

“Well regardless of actual loss of crops, there’s feeding, transportation etc,” he stated. “If we don’t get at least a fiver per locust we’ll have the tractors back on O’Connell St quicker than you can say Killinascully.”

The Drinkners Federation of Ireland suggested households without running water should ‘drink porter not water’ and seek alternative sources of hydration in their local overpriced alchol vending establishment.

MET Eireann spokersperson Sean Clewless was unable to confirm whether further extremes of climate were in store for the country. “The weather? Ah jaysus, sure who knows,” he chuckled. “It’s pure miserable all right.

“There’s no point in me telling you when it’ll all end because we don’t actually have a notion at all. I can consult the groundhog, who you probably know as Ann Doyle, but remember the whole ‘Big freeze will last 10 more days prediction’? Oops!”

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