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Ireland prepares for plague of zombies and locusts as punishment from God set to continue

The battered north Atlantic island state of Oyerland is bracing itself for more punishment from the universe this week, as widespread flooding and water shortages formed the cherry on top of an iced bun of misery.

Previously held wisdom that bad things only happened in 3s has been shattered, as Ireland has experienced a succession of recent blows - with events such as the property crash and economic recession exacerbated by cheating Frenchman and the successful TV career of Brendan O’Connor.

A variety of explanations have been offered as to how the Irish people might have offended the creator, from the vain excesses of the Celtic Tiger to Jedward and the horrors of RTE’s autumn ‘comedy’ schedule.

In a significant development, a woman in Ballinasloe claimed yesterday that a statue of the Virgin Mary has ordered her to track down and destroy the creators of the Val Falvey TD televison atrocity.

Reports of zombie sightings in Dublin remain unconfirmed however, with one source suggesting that TV3’s Vincent Browne may accidentally have been mistaken for one of the undead flesh eaters.

A number of other society groupings and organisations have also released statements on the crisis.

The Catholic Church has urged the nation to ‘have a good pray and confess all our sins’. An open letter from Pope Benny XVI declared that the Church was ‘willing to utilise all of its supplies of holy water and crucifixes in the fight against the zombie menace. As long as we can forget about all of that riding kids stuff. Deal?’

Irish Farmurs Association President Paddy Fitzpatrick has demanded that farmers be compensated by the fourth German Reich (aka the EU) for any locusts found on their land, regardless of crop damage.

“Well regardless of actual loss of crops, there’s feeding, transportation etc,” he stated. “If we don’t get at least a fiver per locust we’ll have the tractors back on O’Connell St quicker than you can say Killinascully.”

The Drinkners Federation of Ireland suggested households without running water should ‘drink porter not water’ and seek alternative sources of hydration in their local overpriced alchol vending establishment.

MET Eireann spokersperson Sean Clewless was unable to confirm whether further extremes of climate were in store for the country. “The weather? Ah jaysus, sure who knows,” he chuckled. “It’s pure miserable all right.

“There’s no point in me telling you when it’ll all end because we don’t actually have a notion at all. I can consult the groundhog, who you probably know as Ann Doyle, but remember the whole ‘Big freeze will last 10 more days prediction’? Oops!”

 

In completely unrelated news:
Catholic Church and out of work restaurateurs condemn Iris Robinson
FÁS introduce new Argos / Ikea flat-pack furniture assembly course
Spanner TV - Garda gets pelted with snowballs

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Miami named most miserable U.S. city

(Reuters) - Warm sun, white beaches, and million-dollar mansions notwithstanding, Miami has captured the dubious distinction of being the most miserable city in the United States, according to a new poll.

The playground of the rich and famous is home to a crippling housing crisis, one of the highest crime rates in the country, and lengthy daily commutes for workers, all of which have propelled it to the No. 1 position in the Forbes.com list.

"Miami has sun and beautiful weather but other things make people miserable. You have this two-tier society: glitzy South Beach attracts celebrities, but the income inequality has skyrocketed in recent years," explained Forbes Senior Editor Kurt Badenhausen.

The rankings are based on factors including jobless rates, violent crime, foreclosures, income and property taxes, as well as considerations like weather, commute time and political corruption.

Reeling for decades from the decline of the U.S. auto industry, Michigan's troubled duo of Detroit and Flint registered at No. 2 and No. 3, respectively, among the most miserable cities.

"Detroit and Flint are struggling," said Badenhausen. "Violent crime is highest in the country in Detroit; housing prices are down 55 percent. Detroit is closing schools and laying off policemen. In recent years they have been demolishing houses to change their city landscapes"

West Palm Beach, Florida and Sacramento, California rounded out the top five cities.

"We're trying to judge cities where residents have a lot of complaints. It doesn't mean that there aren't terrific things there," he said.

And for the haves Miami's charms remain undiminished.

"The one percent in Miami is doing fantastic. But for the vast majority, who make less than $75,000 (a year), Miami can be a challenging place," he said. "Forty-seven percent of homeowners sit on underwater mortgages. That's tough."