Inventor of Heimlich manoeuvre admits to simply being a 'bit of a perve'

Restaurateurs, hoteliers and medical professionals alike are this morning spitting their coffee across tables in an ironic act of incredulity, as Dr. Henry Heimlich admitted in an interview in the New Scientist Magazine that his world famous "Heimlich Manoeuvre" was originally invented as a way to sexually harass people.

Heimlich, now well in his eighties, had wanted to announce this for years but had never had an opportunity. But since the manoeuvre was downgraded by the American Heart Association and the American Red Cross in 2006 and had subsequently lost credence among the medical community, he felt the time was right, albeit in the presence of interviewer Henry Garfield, who could never in a million oversized mouthfuls expected such a revelation and believes that this declaration will "blow the cut-throat world of First-Aid wide open".

Beginning in a typical fashion, Garfield asked about Heimlich's early career and pre-manoeuvre achievements. Then "out of the blue.... Dr. Heimlich dropped the bombshell; he refused to be interrupted as he surrendered all his information to me.”

Heimlich’s tale of woe began in 1939, when as a young medical student he lived far away from home and suffered from terrible scoliosis, a skin complaint that made him repellent to the opposite sex resulting in little or no human contact. Alone in his dorm one night, he concocted the notion of a faux first aid practice that would allow him access to people of the opposite gender. "I put my thesis on hold for a few months and focused on this as if my life depended on it"; he then produced evidence of his prototype manoeuvres.

"I was astounded", Garfield wrote in his article, "he had a foot tickling manoeuvre to help people on fire, a buttocks massage for people who had been cutting onions, a hair smelling manoeuvre for women who had been stung by jellyfish.... the list when on".

The then student also spent much of the early years in hospital as he received many injuries from jealous boyfriends and husbands who grew suspicious of these medical student crackpot procedures. "(B)ut I had the last laugh”, chortled Heimlich, “no-one could doubt the effectiveness of my most famous manoeuvre."

It would appear that Heimlich had achieved his aim and was scoring some major human contact at restaurants, canteens and regurgitating competitions. However, Dr. Heimlich did not predict the worldwide acclaim that his manoeuvre was to garner. "Dr. Popinski from the Red Cross called to my lab when I was in my final year of the PhD.... he was followed by two orderlies who placed a body bag on one of my tables." Heimlich continued, "I was originally scared but then I found out what was in the body bag; they were crammed with cash!”

Garfield admitted to the Spanner that "[I] had no idea about the amount of money that the Red Cross were privy to, it really is shock"; but a subsequent investigation by our researchers has uncovered that the Red Cross wanted to purchase full rights to Heimlich's successful manoeuvre, before the Red Cresent could mobilise their assets and snatch it from under their noses.

"The rest really is history", surrendered Dr. Heimlich, "a medical manoeuvre that was originally invented with the sole aim of "perving off" became a recognised piece of first aid".

In closing his piece though, Garfield brought up the irony insofar as once Dr. Heimlich had the filthy wads of "Red Cross spondoolicks" he had all the human contact money can buy.

Fiachra O’Neill