Logo
 Linking to Smedias 2012
 
 Linking to Free Stuff
 
 Linking to The Spanner Homepage
 
 Linking to Entertainment
 
INTERNATIONAL: Smokers Rejoice in Light of New Cancer Research
SMOKERS130

Scenes of jubilation have been witnessed throughout the world, as smokers celebrate the findings of a study carried out by the Harvard Medical School into protective factors of cancer epidemiology.

After a relatively uneventful primary data analysis was administered on such variables as diet, exercise levels, genetic makeup and IQ, a baffling discovery was unearthed when researchers carried out rudimentary secondary analyses, necessary for their funding grant from Armitage Shanks.

"They were interested in the restroom habits of smokers, and whether or not they stood up or sat down while wiping their behinds after defecating", explained Dr. Mark Craggy, the head of the research team, "but what we actually found was a 100% correlation between vertically postural wipage, and contracting lung-cancer".

In a statement to the press Dr. Alan Daley (Harvard Medical School associate professor) commented on the findings as "bewildering", but "air-tight". "We've reanalysed the data several times; we've absolutely no way of explaining the connection, but it's irrefutable: standing up while wiping one's anus is the missing link in lung-cancer contraction."

Anti-smoking groups are said to be perturbed by these findings, and are demanding independent validatory research to be carried out by impartial bodies such as The NiqutinCQ Research Lab and the Institute of Smoking Being Really Really Bad (ISBRRB). "It's disgraceful", commented a spokesperson "that our years of lobbying, propaganda, vague assertions and scare tactics are set to be all but discredited by this impartial, rigorously monitored research; who the hell do these cowboys think they are?"

It remains unlikely, however, that these findings will affect the Workplace Smoking Ban, introduced in Ireland on the 29th of March, 2004. The then acting Minister for Health, Micheal Martin TD, introduced this legislation after seeing how easy it was to pull women in the smoking sections of New York bars and clubs. Seeing as figures published in several subsequent Oireachtas reports suggest he and other back benchers have since been 'getting more ass than a toilet seat', change is not anticipated to follow any time soon.

Neil Dundon

back to the spanner

 

Win an iPad, iPhone or free Pizza!

The generous people at Apache Pizza are giving away 5 ipads, 10 iPhones and 500 large pizzas. All you have to do is complete a 1 minute survey on... Pizza!

 Linking to http://www.apache.ie/onlinesurvey

Spanner Pics

Enda and Sarko remember the good oul days

 Linking to Spanner Pics - Enda and Sarko

Joke of the Day

John Terry won't be facing trial for racial abuse until after Euro 2012. So he's free to lead his country into Poland. Just like his hero did.
(Manic1)

Spanner TV

Don't feed the Elephants

 Linking to Spanner TV - Don't Feed the Elephants
 

Irishman makes "billion-euro home" of shredded notes

(Reuters) - An unemployed Irish artist has built a home from the shredded remains of 1.4 billion euros ($1.82 billion), a monument to the "madness" he says has been wrought on Ireland by the single currency, from a spectacular construction boom to a wrenching bust.

Frank Buckley built the apartment in the lobby of a Dublin office building that has lain vacant since its completion four years ago at the peak of an ill-fated construction boom, using bricks of shredded euro notes he borrowed from Ireland's national mint.

"It's a reflection of the whole madness that gripped us," Buckley said of what he calls his "billion-euro home."

"People were pouring billions into buildings now worth nothing," he said. "I wanted to create something from nothing."

A wave of cheap credit flowed into Ireland in the early 2000s after Ireland joined the currency zone fuelling a huge property bubble that transformed the country.

The bubble's collapse since 2007 plunged Ireland into the deepest recession in the industrialized world, forcing the former "Celtic Tiger" to accept a humiliating bailout from the EU and the IMF.

Buckley was given a 100 percent mortgage at the peak of the boom to buy a 365,000 euro home on the far reaches of Dublin's commuter belt, despite the fact he had no steady income.

He has separated from his wife who lives in the home, which has since lost at least one-third of its value.

Living in his "billion euro home" since the start of December, Buckley is working on adding a kitchen to the living room and hall.

The walls and floor are covered in euro shreddings and the house is so warm Buckley sleeps without a blanket.

Pictures made from notes and coins decorate the walls, including one of a house, made from Irish 5 pence pieces.

"There are houses in Ireland worth less than that," Buckley quips.

Buckley said he wants Europe's politicians to solve the eurozone debt crisis without destroying its currency. But if the currency ultimately fails, he will happily use the euro zone's defunct notes as fodder for future projects.

"Whatever you say about the euro, it's a great insulator."