Star of the show and Queen of our hearts

With the post-wedding hangover only just sinking in and the cost of bunting-disposal still being calculated by the British tax payer, the media are already looking back on the biggest celebrity event of the millennium with an almost palpable sense of exaggerated nostalgia. It had already become apparent earlier in the week that this particular event was going to be something special when the American National Aeronautics and Space Administration confirmed that the media hype surrounding it was actually visible from space.

And indeed special it was, as the union of Will and Kate early on Friday morning actually managed to transcend the realm of mere earthly matters by attaining the official status of an epoch-making event of cosmic significance, the like of which has hitherto never been seen in recorded human history. “This is not just a fairytale about the daughter of a millionaire marrying a member of an outdated, undemocratic aristocracy,” one media ‘expert’ said, “this marriage heralds the official end of the global financial crisis, the dawn of peace in the Middle East, and the beginning of a new era of cosmic enlightenment for humans in general.” A study published in the Lancet journal earlier in the week found that Kate’s dress can actually cure cancer.

The British people have really taken Kate to their hearts, with a recent poll declaring her ‘the most reasonably attractive princess of all time’. One fully grown adult, who really should have better things to do with his time other than camp outside Buckingham palace on a sunny Friday afternoon, described her as “an angel who will no doubt single-handedly pull the glorious United Kingdom out of its current financial quagmire through sheer grace and elegance alone.” Kate’s entry to the British royal family sees her assume a host of titles along with her new husband. Prince William now officially becomes ‘the Duke of Cambridge’, ‘the Baron of Inishowen’, and ‘the Archduke of the Andromeda constellation’, while Kate is now officially recognised as the Marquess of Timbuktu.

It wasn’t so long ago that such titles would have deeply offended some of the UK’s sovereign neighbours, but we live in changing times it seems. RTÉ, the Irish State broadcaster, decided to push the boat out and spend licence fee money providing blanket coverage of the event, while private network TV3 decided to waste their own money doing the exact same thing. When quizzed about the decision to provide saturated coverage of a marriage involving the prince of another country, RTÉ Director General, Noel Curran, clarified that it was part of a new policy at the network to cover all royal weddings in microscopic detail and that the mooted upcoming wedding of King Jigme Khesar Namgyel Wangchuck of Bhutan would be given the same treatment.

Meanwhile in other news, something happened somewhere in Libya and some tornadoes apparently caused some damage in the US.

-Johnny McGee