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Harney misdiagnosed with testicular cancer
MARYHARNEY250

Harney misdiagnosed with testicular cancer

The Minister for Health Mary Harney last night asserted the importance of ensuring that the misdiagnosis of patients can never happen again, after the Midland Regional Hospital mistakenly diagnosed her with testicular cancer earlier in the week.

Speaking on RTÉ's Prime Time programme last night, The Minister called for re-administration of inspections of all mammography equipment in the hospital, and wants a full report into how she could be misdiagnosed in such an erroneous and embarrassing manner. "We need to know whether it was as a result of human error on a massive scale, or whether it was due to machinery. At the moment my gut instinct is that this is a cruelly timed and grossly insensitive joke, but if the machinery proves to be the root of the cause, action will need to be taken."

The Minister also said that the development of centres of excellence would minimise the capacity of errors in cross-gender diagnoses of this ilk. "A centre of excellence, preferably a private one obviously, will go a long way to ensure men and women at the very least receive appropriate gender contextual diagnoses."

In the Dáil bar, Spanner reporters caught up with a watery eyed Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny, who told us, amidst sporadic fits of chortles, that he thinks "the doctors have actually confirmed a few suspicions around here." Mr. Kenny did, however, extend his deepest sympathies to the Harney family if the diagnosis is confirmed as accurate.

Ms. Harney was unavailable for comment when we called her office, but a source has subsequently informed us that she will presently be admitted to the private facility in Blackrock Clinic, where she will receive a triple-assessment diagnosis procedure, balneotherapy, aromatherapy and un-monitored Wi-Fi broadband access.

Bosco Robinson

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Irishman makes "billion-euro home" of shredded notes

(Reuters) - An unemployed Irish artist has built a home from the shredded remains of 1.4 billion euros ($1.82 billion), a monument to the "madness" he says has been wrought on Ireland by the single currency, from a spectacular construction boom to a wrenching bust.

Frank Buckley built the apartment in the lobby of a Dublin office building that has lain vacant since its completion four years ago at the peak of an ill-fated construction boom, using bricks of shredded euro notes he borrowed from Ireland's national mint.

"It's a reflection of the whole madness that gripped us," Buckley said of what he calls his "billion-euro home."

"People were pouring billions into buildings now worth nothing," he said. "I wanted to create something from nothing."

A wave of cheap credit flowed into Ireland in the early 2000s after Ireland joined the currency zone fuelling a huge property bubble that transformed the country.

The bubble's collapse since 2007 plunged Ireland into the deepest recession in the industrialized world, forcing the former "Celtic Tiger" to accept a humiliating bailout from the EU and the IMF.

Buckley was given a 100 percent mortgage at the peak of the boom to buy a 365,000 euro home on the far reaches of Dublin's commuter belt, despite the fact he had no steady income.

He has separated from his wife who lives in the home, which has since lost at least one-third of its value.

Living in his "billion euro home" since the start of December, Buckley is working on adding a kitchen to the living room and hall.

The walls and floor are covered in euro shreddings and the house is so warm Buckley sleeps without a blanket.

Pictures made from notes and coins decorate the walls, including one of a house, made from Irish 5 pence pieces.

"There are houses in Ireland worth less than that," Buckley quips.

Buckley said he wants Europe's politicians to solve the eurozone debt crisis without destroying its currency. But if the currency ultimately fails, he will happily use the euro zone's defunct notes as fodder for future projects.

"Whatever you say about the euro, it's a great insulator."