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Green Party to nominate organic leek as new minister

The Coalition Government are locked in crisis talks after it was revealed that the Green Party are holding out for the inclusion of an organic vegetable in the next cabinet.

Teashock Brian Cowman is currently planning a cabinet reshuffle, following the recent resignations of ministers Willy STD and Trevor ‘Sarge’ Sargent.

Sargent’s role as minister for state for Food is expected to be taken over by a Green colleague, but according to shock new reports it won’t be one of the party’s TDs or Senators who replace him.

“John Gormless thinks it’s time to get back to basic Green Party principles,” said one party activist, who politely offered The Spanner a drag of their herbal cigarette while we spoke.

“That organic leek is a rising star in the party and would probably do a better job than half of the vegetables currently in the cabinet.

“It’s also got a nice stiff spine, which is something the current green ministers have been totally lacking in allowing Fianna Failure to walk all over them.”

A Fianna Failure insider suggested that the feeling of his party was “It’s an off the wall idea, but probably no more of a leap in the dark than NAMA. At this stage we’ll all wear dreadlocks to the Dail if it means keeping the hippies on board and avoiding general electionicide.”

Meanhwhile, Tanaiste Mary ‘I won my job in a drinking contest’ Cocklan has refused to confirm reports that she is in line for the chop, following two years of being as useful as a non-alcoholic beer during rag week.

“The formation of the new cabinet is a matter for the Teashock and the Green Party ye f*ckers,” she growled this week. “There better be a f*ckin job for me tho cos I’m f*cked if I’m goin back on the Donegal Catch boats again. That speccy lad with the Salmon obsession has me tormented looking for the ride.”

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Miami named most miserable U.S. city

(Reuters) - Warm sun, white beaches, and million-dollar mansions notwithstanding, Miami has captured the dubious distinction of being the most miserable city in the United States, according to a new poll.

The playground of the rich and famous is home to a crippling housing crisis, one of the highest crime rates in the country, and lengthy daily commutes for workers, all of which have propelled it to the No. 1 position in the Forbes.com list.

"Miami has sun and beautiful weather but other things make people miserable. You have this two-tier society: glitzy South Beach attracts celebrities, but the income inequality has skyrocketed in recent years," explained Forbes Senior Editor Kurt Badenhausen.

The rankings are based on factors including jobless rates, violent crime, foreclosures, income and property taxes, as well as considerations like weather, commute time and political corruption.

Reeling for decades from the decline of the U.S. auto industry, Michigan's troubled duo of Detroit and Flint registered at No. 2 and No. 3, respectively, among the most miserable cities.

"Detroit and Flint are struggling," said Badenhausen. "Violent crime is highest in the country in Detroit; housing prices are down 55 percent. Detroit is closing schools and laying off policemen. In recent years they have been demolishing houses to change their city landscapes"

West Palm Beach, Florida and Sacramento, California rounded out the top five cities.

"We're trying to judge cities where residents have a lot of complaints. It doesn't mean that there aren't terrific things there," he said.

And for the haves Miami's charms remain undiminished.

"The one percent in Miami is doing fantastic. But for the vast majority, who make less than $75,000 (a year), Miami can be a challenging place," he said. "Forty-seven percent of homeowners sit on underwater mortgages. That's tough."