Logo
 Linking to Smedias 2012
 
 Linking to Free Stuff
 
 Linking to The Spanner Homepage
 
 Linking to Entertainment
 
Government to build Ark, no French allowed
ARK200

The Government have announced a range of measures in response to floods around the country, after Ireland’s weather broke annual records for shittiness with a month still left to go in 2009.

“It’s amazing,” said MET Eireann spokesman Ray Ni Daigh. “We’ve already shattered centuries old records for brutal weather. Usually, we’re totally hopeless at predicting anything, but at the moment we can just say ‘really windy and raining a lot’ and we’re nearly always right. Score!”

The initial Government response to the flooding has been criticised, with the first official statement of “About time some of them culchies had a wash” deemed ‘inappropriate’ by some but ‘mostly true’ by others.

“Yeah yeah, floods, blah de blah,” snorted Green Minister for Himself John Gormless. “Oh my house is under water, save me John, save me. Who’s laughing at the idea of Climate Change now eh? Bastards.”

Gormless refused to elaborate on reports that Hollywood actor Kevin Costner, the star of post-apocalyptic action movie Waterworld, had been hired as a ‘flood consultant’ who would teach the Irish public to evolve gills and therefore be able to survive underwater.

But he did confirm that a giant Ark, which would be known as 'Cowen’s Canoe', was currently being built in Dublin, providing a much needed jobs boost for the construction sector.

“When the Canoe is finished it will have capacity for 1,000 politicians, bankers and their families,” said Gormless. “All the really important people like.”

“The rest of youse plebs are welcome to come and look at it, maybe even to take a stroll around the deck. But not the French. Cheating bastards.”

In addition to safeguarding our beloved elite, the Ark will also serve as a treasure chest for Irish culture. two bags of Cheese and Onion Tayto, two inflatable Jedward dolls, and two of journalist / TV presenter Brendan O’Connor’s blood stained fingers are among the initial items shortlisted for preservation.

In completely unrelated news:
Thierry Henry implicated in string of Tiger kidnappings
Roy Keane launches verbal assualt on Roy Keane
Spanner TV - Kid gets hit by basketball

 

Win an iPad, iPhone or free Pizza!

The generous people at Apache Pizza are giving away 5 ipads, 10 iPhones and 500 large pizzas. All you have to do is complete a 1 minute survey on... Pizza!

 Linking to http://www.apache.ie/onlinesurvey

Spanner Pics

Honest movie trailer

 Linking to Spanner Pics - Honest movie trailer

Joke of the Day

What’s got 99 balls and makes women sweat? Bingo
(Ajay H)

Spanner TV

Donkey hits some high notes...

 Linking to Spanner TV - Singing Donkey
 

Miami named most miserable U.S. city

(Reuters) - Warm sun, white beaches, and million-dollar mansions notwithstanding, Miami has captured the dubious distinction of being the most miserable city in the United States, according to a new poll.

The playground of the rich and famous is home to a crippling housing crisis, one of the highest crime rates in the country, and lengthy daily commutes for workers, all of which have propelled it to the No. 1 position in the Forbes.com list.

"Miami has sun and beautiful weather but other things make people miserable. You have this two-tier society: glitzy South Beach attracts celebrities, but the income inequality has skyrocketed in recent years," explained Forbes Senior Editor Kurt Badenhausen.

The rankings are based on factors including jobless rates, violent crime, foreclosures, income and property taxes, as well as considerations like weather, commute time and political corruption.

Reeling for decades from the decline of the U.S. auto industry, Michigan's troubled duo of Detroit and Flint registered at No. 2 and No. 3, respectively, among the most miserable cities.

"Detroit and Flint are struggling," said Badenhausen. "Violent crime is highest in the country in Detroit; housing prices are down 55 percent. Detroit is closing schools and laying off policemen. In recent years they have been demolishing houses to change their city landscapes"

West Palm Beach, Florida and Sacramento, California rounded out the top five cities.

"We're trying to judge cities where residents have a lot of complaints. It doesn't mean that there aren't terrific things there," he said.

And for the haves Miami's charms remain undiminished.

"The one percent in Miami is doing fantastic. But for the vast majority, who make less than $75,000 (a year), Miami can be a challenging place," he said. "Forty-seven percent of homeowners sit on underwater mortgages. That's tough."