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Government to build Ark, no French allowed
ARK200

The Government have announced a range of measures in response to floods around the country, after Ireland’s weather broke annual records for shittiness with a month still left to go in 2009.

“It’s amazing,” said MET Eireann spokesman Ray Ni Daigh. “We’ve already shattered centuries old records for brutal weather. Usually, we’re totally hopeless at predicting anything, but at the moment we can just say ‘really windy and raining a lot’ and we’re nearly always right. Score!”

The initial Government response to the flooding has been criticised, with the first official statement of “About time some of them culchies had a wash” deemed ‘inappropriate’ by some but ‘mostly true’ by others.

“Yeah yeah, floods, blah de blah,” snorted Green Minister for Himself John Gormless. “Oh my house is under water, save me John, save me. Who’s laughing at the idea of Climate Change now eh? Bastards.”

Gormless refused to elaborate on reports that Hollywood actor Kevin Costner, the star of post-apocalyptic action movie Waterworld, had been hired as a ‘flood consultant’ who would teach the Irish public to evolve gills and therefore be able to survive underwater.

But he did confirm that a giant Ark, which would be known as 'Cowen’s Canoe', was currently being built in Dublin, providing a much needed jobs boost for the construction sector.

“When the Canoe is finished it will have capacity for 1,000 politicians, bankers and their families,” said Gormless. “All the really important people like.”

“The rest of youse plebs are welcome to come and look at it, maybe even to take a stroll around the deck. But not the French. Cheating bastards.”

In addition to safeguarding our beloved elite, the Ark will also serve as a treasure chest for Irish culture. two bags of Cheese and Onion Tayto, two inflatable Jedward dolls, and two of journalist / TV presenter Brendan O’Connor’s blood stained fingers are among the initial items shortlisted for preservation.

In completely unrelated news:
Thierry Henry implicated in string of Tiger kidnappings
Roy Keane launches verbal assualt on Roy Keane
Spanner TV - Kid gets hit by basketball

 

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Enda and Sarko remember the good oul days

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Joke of the Day

John Terry won't be facing trial for racial abuse until after Euro 2012. So he's free to lead his country into Poland. Just like his hero did.
(Manic1)

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Don't feed the Elephants

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Irishman makes "billion-euro home" of shredded notes

(Reuters) - An unemployed Irish artist has built a home from the shredded remains of 1.4 billion euros ($1.82 billion), a monument to the "madness" he says has been wrought on Ireland by the single currency, from a spectacular construction boom to a wrenching bust.

Frank Buckley built the apartment in the lobby of a Dublin office building that has lain vacant since its completion four years ago at the peak of an ill-fated construction boom, using bricks of shredded euro notes he borrowed from Ireland's national mint.

"It's a reflection of the whole madness that gripped us," Buckley said of what he calls his "billion-euro home."

"People were pouring billions into buildings now worth nothing," he said. "I wanted to create something from nothing."

A wave of cheap credit flowed into Ireland in the early 2000s after Ireland joined the currency zone fuelling a huge property bubble that transformed the country.

The bubble's collapse since 2007 plunged Ireland into the deepest recession in the industrialized world, forcing the former "Celtic Tiger" to accept a humiliating bailout from the EU and the IMF.

Buckley was given a 100 percent mortgage at the peak of the boom to buy a 365,000 euro home on the far reaches of Dublin's commuter belt, despite the fact he had no steady income.

He has separated from his wife who lives in the home, which has since lost at least one-third of its value.

Living in his "billion euro home" since the start of December, Buckley is working on adding a kitchen to the living room and hall.

The walls and floor are covered in euro shreddings and the house is so warm Buckley sleeps without a blanket.

Pictures made from notes and coins decorate the walls, including one of a house, made from Irish 5 pence pieces.

"There are houses in Ireland worth less than that," Buckley quips.

Buckley said he wants Europe's politicians to solve the eurozone debt crisis without destroying its currency. But if the currency ultimately fails, he will happily use the euro zone's defunct notes as fodder for future projects.

"Whatever you say about the euro, it's a great insulator."