The Government have announced a range of measures in response to floods around the country, after Ireland’s weather broke annual records for shittiness with a month still left to go in 2009.

“It’s amazing,” said MET Eireann spokesman Ray Ni Daigh. “We’ve already shattered centuries old records for brutal weather. Usually, we’re totally hopeless at predicting anything, but at the moment we can just say ‘really windy and raining a lot’ and we’re nearly always right. Score!”

The initial Government response to the flooding has been criticised, with the first official statement of “About time some of them culchies had a wash” deemed ‘inappropriate’ by some but ‘mostly true’ by others.

“Yeah yeah, floods, blah de blah,” snorted Green Minister for Himself John Gormless. “Oh my house is under water, save me John, save me. Who’s laughing at the idea of Climate Change now eh? Bastards.”

Gormless refused to elaborate on reports that Hollywood actor Kevin Costner, the star of post-apocalyptic action movie Waterworld, had been hired as a ‘flood consultant’ who would teach the Irish public to evolve gills and therefore be able to survive underwater.

But he did confirm that a giant Ark, which would be known as 'Cowen’s Canoe', was currently being built in Dublin, providing a much needed jobs boost for the construction sector.

“When the Canoe is finished it will have capacity for 1,000 politicians, bankers and their families,” said Gormless. “All the really important people like.”

“The rest of youse plebs are welcome to come and look at it, maybe even to take a stroll around the deck. But not the French. Cheating bastards.”

In addition to safeguarding our beloved elite, the Ark will also serve as a treasure chest for Irish culture. two bags of Cheese and Onion Tayto, two inflatable Jedward dolls, and two of journalist / TV presenter Brendan O’Connor’s blood stained fingers are among the initial items shortlisted for preservation.

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