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Government reveal new jobs strategy: Irish to work as Russian Spies

The government has announced a link up with Russia’s FSB intelligence agency, which will lead to the creation of thousands of new jobs for unemployed Irish people.

The Rusky spy section, formerly known as the KGB, have been in the news this week, following the detection of a number of ‘Deep sleeper’ agents in the US, one of whom was living under the assumed Irish identity of Richard Murphy and even possessed a fraudulent Irish passport.

“One man’s crisis is another’s opportunity,” commented Minister for Funemployment Batt ‘The Batman’ O’Keefe. “We were in contact straight away with the Russians to inform them that we can provide replacement spies immediately.

“They don’t need any fake documents or anything, we’re so desperate for jobs they can just use real Irish people.

“Apparently the main function of the job is to live in America, become well liked by the people you live near, and collect occasional bags of money with a vague notion of providing information to Moscow at some stage.

“That’s no bother to an Irish person at all. We’re well used to sneaking into America and pretending we’re entitled to live there. Though they might need to be reminded in 20 years that they’re working for Moscow.”

Successful candidates will possess a relative or acquaintance in ‘de shtates’, previous gaelic football or hurling experience, and a firm belief that tayto crisps are far superior to any snack food available in the USA.

As for the apparent hypocrisy of complaining about Israel’s use of Irish passports but overlooking similar behaviour by the Israelis, O’Keefe’s response was vague.

“Well, we were hoping no one would ask about that,” smiled the Batman. “Have you any opinions on the hunting ban at all?” 

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Miami named most miserable U.S. city

(Reuters) - Warm sun, white beaches, and million-dollar mansions notwithstanding, Miami has captured the dubious distinction of being the most miserable city in the United States, according to a new poll.

The playground of the rich and famous is home to a crippling housing crisis, one of the highest crime rates in the country, and lengthy daily commutes for workers, all of which have propelled it to the No. 1 position in the Forbes.com list.

"Miami has sun and beautiful weather but other things make people miserable. You have this two-tier society: glitzy South Beach attracts celebrities, but the income inequality has skyrocketed in recent years," explained Forbes Senior Editor Kurt Badenhausen.

The rankings are based on factors including jobless rates, violent crime, foreclosures, income and property taxes, as well as considerations like weather, commute time and political corruption.

Reeling for decades from the decline of the U.S. auto industry, Michigan's troubled duo of Detroit and Flint registered at No. 2 and No. 3, respectively, among the most miserable cities.

"Detroit and Flint are struggling," said Badenhausen. "Violent crime is highest in the country in Detroit; housing prices are down 55 percent. Detroit is closing schools and laying off policemen. In recent years they have been demolishing houses to change their city landscapes"

West Palm Beach, Florida and Sacramento, California rounded out the top five cities.

"We're trying to judge cities where residents have a lot of complaints. It doesn't mean that there aren't terrific things there," he said.

And for the haves Miami's charms remain undiminished.

"The one percent in Miami is doing fantastic. But for the vast majority, who make less than $75,000 (a year), Miami can be a challenging place," he said. "Forty-seven percent of homeowners sit on underwater mortgages. That's tough."