Ruairi Quinn - Bond Villain

The Irish Government has responded swiftly to student concerns over possible new college fees and education cuts by issuing a promise that there would be no change to rates in the upcoming budget.

However, at the same time it was announced that a special €5,000 levy would be applied to all student cards, which are compulsory issue for Ireland’s 300,000 students.

Speaking after an anti-fees march in Dublin attracted 20,000 protesters, Minister for Education Ruairi ‘Super’ Quinn said that the new measures would enable Labour to ‘keep our pre-election promise not to introduce fees, in the same way that if I cheat on my wife and she doesn’t ask me about it then I’m not lying am I? Exactly.

Quinn described the 25,000% increase in the cost of a student card as “regrettable” but “unavoidable in today’s economic climate.

“The price of plastic has gone through the roof recently,” said the Bond Villain-like minister.

“Colleges are making a huge loss on printing these IDs so the only fair thing to do is allow them to raise the price.

“Obviously it has nothing to do with the fees debate at all and is a totally unrelated price rise” he smiled, while gently stroking a white cat.

Union of Students of Ireland President Edgar Beaver slammed the price rise, and vowed that the country’s college students would take every possible action to express their displeasure, including “Liking protest pages on facebook, whinging about it to their mates and asking their parents for more cash.

“This whole fees debate is farcical really, we already have fees,” said Beaver. “You don’t need a 2,000 euro annual registration fee unless you’re doing a serious amount of photocopying.”