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Government passes motion of 'go swivel' against opposition

The Government has responded strongly to a week of attacks from the opposition by passing an unprecedented motion of censure in the Dail.

The motion, carried by 80 votes to 69, reads ‘This house believes that Fianna Fail are legends and anyone who doesn’t like it can go swivel’.

Complaints by coalition partners the Green Party that ‘Fianna Fail’ should have been changed to ‘Government’ were acknowledged by Taoiseach Brian Cowman, who responded “Sorry, I completely forgot you were there.”

The Government took the unusual step following a week of controversy in which ministers Mary Cockland and Willy STD came under fire.

Cockland has been slammed for failing to secure 500 aircraft maintenance jobs, which Ryanair offered to create on condition that every staff member of Aer Lingus received a Chinese burn in the airport car park.

“Fu**in Michael O’Leery can fu** the fu** off,” said the sweet tongued Tanaiste and Minister for Being totally clueless but apparently good buddies with the boss. “He did offer me 20 part time minimum wage jobs to rename Dublin ‘Ryanairtown’ though, so that’s something we’ll have to seriously consider.”

Minister for Defence (from Limerick people) Willy STD, was forced to resign after he was revealed to have ‘accidentally’ committed perjury in a libel case.

Cowman was unrepentant about his previous vote of confidence in STD however, asking “Since when do people expect Fianna Fail ministers to be honest? You’re lucky he admitted it at all. Heil Haughey!”

But a good week for the opposition was slightly soured after Edna Kenny was discovered crying in the Dail toilets repeatedly rereading George Lee’s resignation letter.

“I just, I just, I just...” sniffed Kenny before breaking down uncontrollably.

Labour leader Eamoan ‘Happy’ Gilmore also slipped up when he was caught using the f-word in a conversation with finance spokesperson Joan ‘World’s most boring voice’ Bruton.

One source suggested the sentence in question was “I don’t care what your favourite humming noise is Joan, now get the fu** away from me.”

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Miami named most miserable U.S. city

(Reuters) - Warm sun, white beaches, and million-dollar mansions notwithstanding, Miami has captured the dubious distinction of being the most miserable city in the United States, according to a new poll.

The playground of the rich and famous is home to a crippling housing crisis, one of the highest crime rates in the country, and lengthy daily commutes for workers, all of which have propelled it to the No. 1 position in the Forbes.com list.

"Miami has sun and beautiful weather but other things make people miserable. You have this two-tier society: glitzy South Beach attracts celebrities, but the income inequality has skyrocketed in recent years," explained Forbes Senior Editor Kurt Badenhausen.

The rankings are based on factors including jobless rates, violent crime, foreclosures, income and property taxes, as well as considerations like weather, commute time and political corruption.

Reeling for decades from the decline of the U.S. auto industry, Michigan's troubled duo of Detroit and Flint registered at No. 2 and No. 3, respectively, among the most miserable cities.

"Detroit and Flint are struggling," said Badenhausen. "Violent crime is highest in the country in Detroit; housing prices are down 55 percent. Detroit is closing schools and laying off policemen. In recent years they have been demolishing houses to change their city landscapes"

West Palm Beach, Florida and Sacramento, California rounded out the top five cities.

"We're trying to judge cities where residents have a lot of complaints. It doesn't mean that there aren't terrific things there," he said.

And for the haves Miami's charms remain undiminished.

"The one percent in Miami is doing fantastic. But for the vast majority, who make less than $75,000 (a year), Miami can be a challenging place," he said. "Forty-seven percent of homeowners sit on underwater mortgages. That's tough."