Alcoholism - Mad craic

It was revealed today that not only are the government thinking inside the box on matters of social policy, they have in fact constructed a smaller box inside the box (at great expense to the tax-payer) and are now thinking inside of that.

The shocking discovery was made at a press conference held in the Dáil bar early on Tuesday
morning where Roisin Shortall, the Minister for Drugs (a government position which is a lot less exciting than it sounds), reiterated her intention to impose a minimum price on all alcoholic beverages sold in supermarkets and off-licences.

The move has been widely criticised as a further incursion into the lives of ordinary citizens by the ‘Nannystate’, but some conservatives have said the move doesn’t go far enough.

“Why doesn’t the government tackle the problem of alcoholism head-on and ban booze altogether, like they did with all the headshop products?” asked Joe from Clontarf, “nobody in this country takes drugs anymore since they imposed that ban, why not do the same with alcohol?”

However, the government have been quick to set the record straight in light of the criticism by pointing out that the minimum price policy is not being introduced to address social health concerns but rather to give the flagging pub and nightclub industry a much needed shot in the arm, so to
speak, in these difficult economic times.

“God no, we’re not really interested in what level of harm the Irish people inflict on themselves,” said one Government spokesperson, “If we actually cared about that sort of thing we would have to implement a system whereby the level of regulation applied to an intoxicating substance was commensurate with the level of harm that substance inflicts on society, and I’m afraid that shit is just not gonna fly with the Vintners' association.

"We simply feel that poor people aren’t paying quite as much as we would like for the products they are using to dull the pain of the crushing austerity being inflicted upon their everyday lives as a result of our mishandling of the economy.”

Unfortunately the increased revenue that will be generated as a result of the new policy will not be going towards the improvement of other social services, instead it will go towards the construction of a giant concrete wall running the entire length of the Northern Irish border to stop people from buying their drink in the UK at much more competitive prices.

Johnny McGee