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Gordon Brown begins new career as bigot-spotter

There's one!

Former British prime minister  Gordon Brown has begun working for private bigot-detection firm BigotSpot Ltd.

He recently stepped down from his position as Labour party leader, following his party’s loss of 91 parliamentary seats and its return to opposition for the first time in 13 years.

BigotSpot CEO Gerry Spott stated, “Here at BigotSpot, we’re always looking for new talent. From Gordon’s performance on the streets, we knew straight away that we were looking at a man with a gift.

"The way he can just pick out a bigot, from the most subtle hint – it’s a powerful talent. I mean, all that Duffy bigot did was refer to Eastern Europeans ‘flocking’ here, instead of using the politically correct phrase ‘coming here on planes and in boats and on trains and in other stuff that moves people’.

 

"Just from that, he could see her true colours: a morally corrupt, hate-driven bigot. We’re optimistic that Gordon will do great things while working with us.”

Security analyst Keith Drudgely explains the scale of the bigot problem: “The insidious threat posed by these bigots to the wellbeing of our society cannot be underestimated. The problem is compounded by the sophisticated techniques implemented by these bigots to generate empathy and ingratiate themselves with unsuspecting members of the public. For example – the Duffy bigot, acting like a nice little old lady. Shameless.”

According to a recent newspaper report, the dangers posed by these bigots range from the comparatively minor racist grumble, all the way up to actions as serious as full-scale racist muttering.

It is not yet known precisely how many fatalities can be attributed to these mutterings, but it is feared that it could even overtake legal highs as the leading cause of death among everyone, everywhere.

Brown himself is unavailable for comment, as he is currently undertaking an intensive bigot-spotting training course at an isolated facility in Scotland. However, sources close to him suggest that he is taking to his new career naturally and with ease.

“At any rate, much better than phase he had last weekend where he insisted he was going to work as a model for toothpaste ads, so he could capitalise on his winning smile”, they noted.

Eoin Brady

 

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Miami named most miserable U.S. city

(Reuters) - Warm sun, white beaches, and million-dollar mansions notwithstanding, Miami has captured the dubious distinction of being the most miserable city in the United States, according to a new poll.

The playground of the rich and famous is home to a crippling housing crisis, one of the highest crime rates in the country, and lengthy daily commutes for workers, all of which have propelled it to the No. 1 position in the Forbes.com list.

"Miami has sun and beautiful weather but other things make people miserable. You have this two-tier society: glitzy South Beach attracts celebrities, but the income inequality has skyrocketed in recent years," explained Forbes Senior Editor Kurt Badenhausen.

The rankings are based on factors including jobless rates, violent crime, foreclosures, income and property taxes, as well as considerations like weather, commute time and political corruption.

Reeling for decades from the decline of the U.S. auto industry, Michigan's troubled duo of Detroit and Flint registered at No. 2 and No. 3, respectively, among the most miserable cities.

"Detroit and Flint are struggling," said Badenhausen. "Violent crime is highest in the country in Detroit; housing prices are down 55 percent. Detroit is closing schools and laying off policemen. In recent years they have been demolishing houses to change their city landscapes"

West Palm Beach, Florida and Sacramento, California rounded out the top five cities.

"We're trying to judge cities where residents have a lot of complaints. It doesn't mean that there aren't terrific things there," he said.

And for the haves Miami's charms remain undiminished.

"The one percent in Miami is doing fantastic. But for the vast majority, who make less than $75,000 (a year), Miami can be a challenging place," he said. "Forty-seven percent of homeowners sit on underwater mortgages. That's tough."