Google announced their new Nexus One phone this week, the web giant’s first foray into the electronics hardware market.The Spanner can exclusively reveal some of the key features of the exciting new gadget.

Chuck Yergutzup, vice-president of Google’s world domination team (Mwah ha ha division) told us that the aim of the phone is to replicate the experience of surfing the web on a computer as closely as possible.

“It’ll be just like trying to find something using the Google search engine,” said Chuck. “You’ll type in what you’re looking for and then you’ll have the fun of searching through hundreds of pages of results until you actually find what you want.

“Half of the time, instead of finding what you’re looking for, you’ll be taken to something that sounds almost exactly like it. Like getting your ‘ginbox’ instead of your ‘inbox’. And fun and all as ginbox sounds, in fact it’s just a bunch of lame ads put up by some opportunistic f*ck bag.

“Likewise, every second text you get will be from someone who needs to transfer $100m from their bank account in Nigeria and is willing to give you half of it if you help. If you make a sex video, it will automatically be posted to youtube and all of your family and friends will be notified.

Other features of the phone include an easy wipe screen for the porn viewing deviant on the go, and a fantastic new ‘facebook super stalker’ app ,which tells you the exact location of the person whose FB profile you’re viewing, their proximity to dark alleyways, and the number of days left until the restraining order against you expires.

Another facebook related feature keeps track of people playing games such as Mafia Wars and Farmville on their phones, then notifies a database of nearby web vigilantes who can then provide them with some ‘physical re-education’. Yes a beating we mean. A savage, merciless battering. That’ll teach them not to post irrelevant rubbish online. Twats.

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