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Google phone to hide message inbox among hundreds of irrelevant folders

Google announced their new Nexus One phone this week, the web giant’s first foray into the electronics hardware market.The Spanner can exclusively reveal some of the key features of the exciting new gadget.

Chuck Yergutzup, vice-president of Google’s world domination team (Mwah ha ha division) told us that the aim of the phone is to replicate the experience of surfing the web on a computer as closely as possible.

“It’ll be just like trying to find something using the Google search engine,” said Chuck. “You’ll type in what you’re looking for and then you’ll have the fun of searching through hundreds of pages of results until you actually find what you want.

“Half of the time, instead of finding what you’re looking for, you’ll be taken to something that sounds almost exactly like it. Like getting your ‘ginbox’ instead of your ‘inbox’. And fun and all as ginbox sounds, in fact it’s just a bunch of lame ads put up by some opportunistic f*ck bag.

“Likewise, every second text you get will be from someone who needs to transfer $100m from their bank account in Nigeria and is willing to give you half of it if you help. If you make a sex video, it will automatically be posted to youtube and all of your family and friends will be notified.

Other features of the phone include an easy wipe screen for the porn viewing deviant on the go, and a fantastic new ‘facebook super stalker’ app ,which tells you the exact location of the person whose FB profile you’re viewing, their proximity to dark alleyways, and the number of days left until the restraining order against you expires.

Another facebook related feature keeps track of people playing games such as Mafia Wars and Farmville on their phones, then notifies a database of nearby web vigilantes who can then provide them with some ‘physical re-education’. Yes a beating we mean. A savage, merciless battering. That’ll teach them not to post irrelevant rubbish online. Twats.

In completely unrelated news:
The Spanner's 2010 predictions
Irish airport scanners set to detect shopping from New York rather than explosives
Spanner TV - Late for work

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Miami named most miserable U.S. city

(Reuters) - Warm sun, white beaches, and million-dollar mansions notwithstanding, Miami has captured the dubious distinction of being the most miserable city in the United States, according to a new poll.

The playground of the rich and famous is home to a crippling housing crisis, one of the highest crime rates in the country, and lengthy daily commutes for workers, all of which have propelled it to the No. 1 position in the Forbes.com list.

"Miami has sun and beautiful weather but other things make people miserable. You have this two-tier society: glitzy South Beach attracts celebrities, but the income inequality has skyrocketed in recent years," explained Forbes Senior Editor Kurt Badenhausen.

The rankings are based on factors including jobless rates, violent crime, foreclosures, income and property taxes, as well as considerations like weather, commute time and political corruption.

Reeling for decades from the decline of the U.S. auto industry, Michigan's troubled duo of Detroit and Flint registered at No. 2 and No. 3, respectively, among the most miserable cities.

"Detroit and Flint are struggling," said Badenhausen. "Violent crime is highest in the country in Detroit; housing prices are down 55 percent. Detroit is closing schools and laying off policemen. In recent years they have been demolishing houses to change their city landscapes"

West Palm Beach, Florida and Sacramento, California rounded out the top five cities.

"We're trying to judge cities where residents have a lot of complaints. It doesn't mean that there aren't terrific things there," he said.

And for the haves Miami's charms remain undiminished.

"The one percent in Miami is doing fantastic. But for the vast majority, who make less than $75,000 (a year), Miami can be a challenging place," he said. "Forty-seven percent of homeowners sit on underwater mortgages. That's tough."