A wave of controversy has erupted at the site of the Corrib pipeline dispute in North Mayo this week after members of an Garda Síochána were apparently recorded on camera hypothetically threatening to rape two female protestors. The comments have sparked a storm of complaints from all corners of the public and drawn condemnation from lobby groups such as the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre, Amnesty, the Council for Civil Liberties, and One in Four. In response to the public outcry, the Garda Ombudsman today confirmed that he would be investigating the “disappointingly poor quality of rape jokes coming out of Templemore.”

The Ombudsman was quick to point out that it was just an isolated incident and not indicative of an endemic problem within the force. “I want to first of all assure the Irish public that the comments caught on camera are in no way representative of the general level of humour in the force. We have some real cards in our ranks, genuinely funny guys,” claimed the Obudsman in front of a visibly shocked and disgusted press conference in Dublin this morning, “you can’t just blurt out your desire to rape a member of the public apropos of nothing and expect to get a laugh, you need a little more nuance than that.” He went on to point out that all trainee members of the force are supplied with DVD copies of Frankie Boyle’s ‘Tramadol Nights’ during their time at Templemore and that each officer is expected to do their research before inflicting their ham-fisted attempts at ‘humour’ on the general public. However, he did admit that every so often one or two fall through the cracks. Shortly after the press conference, it was announced that the Garda Ombudsman Ombudsman would be investigating the Garda Ombudsman over the shocking flippancy of his comments.

Perhaps equally as troubling as the Gardaí’s complete lack of tact and sensitivity when it comes to discussing serious issues such as rape, is the fact that they appear to be completely unable to operate the most basic forms of digital technology. “It is quite troubling that none of the officers involved were able to spot that the camera was running,” said the Garda Commissioner in an interview this afternoon, “we think this might be the same reason the ‘banter’ was so poor, some of the lads obviously weren’t able to figure out how to play the Frankie Boyle DVD back at Templemore. Perhaps if we can get the lads to stop using the Garda computer to look at Facebook and instead use it to actually investigate and prosecute violent sex crimes it might go some way towards solving this problem.”

In other news, Gardaí in Donegal are said to be delighted that they’re not the ones under the glare of the media spotlight for a change and have warned the people of Donegal to expect an increase in unsolved, poorly investigated hit-and-run deaths throughout the Northwest as a result.

- Johnny McGee