The Under 14 match quickly got out of hand

The Gratuitous Assaults Association (GAA), having completed their investigation into the violence at recent club matches, has responded with unexpected leniency. Far from punishing Tyrone gurriers Derrytresk for their part in sparking Sunday's mass brawl, they've commended them for providing the GAA with its 'Eureka' moment.

''Look, there has never been such focus on club football and this is clearly due to the entertaining violence that has been breaking out sporadically over recent weeks, explained GAA Spokeseman Lairy O' Ruffian.

''For years we've been toying with tweaks to the rules to generate interest in off-season football, when the answer was staring us right in the face all along.

"Of course, if we had any sense we'd have introduced a system long ago whereby league results would have a direct result on Championship seeding, but this fighting angle is much better. We've been considering this ever since the epic brawl of '96 to be honest; only last year we sent a group of highly paid GAA officials on a jolly to Toronto to have a look at the NHL's successful incorporation of fights into their game.

"We've gone right ahead and added the rules for Fights into the GAA Charter.

1. When two players square up over a loose ball, D12's 'Fight Music' will ring over the tannoy, giving the players exactly 1 minute to face-off in a bare-knuckle scrap. When the music stops, the game resumes.

2. When four of more players become involved in what has come to be known in GAA parlance as a 'shemozzle', the Kaiser Chiefs' 'I Predict a Riot' will ring over the tannoy, inviting all 30 players to pile in for exactly 2 minutes.

3. Only the 30 players on the pitch may partake. Fight Etiquette will follow that of UFC, i.e. unlike the English Premier League, neither head stamps nor eye gouges shall be allowed. Non-blunt props may be accepted from members of the crowd, such as hurls and handbags.

We'll be trying this out throughout the National League and the remainder of the generally forgettable 'O Byrne Cup'. I mean, who's O' Byrne? No seriously, I'm asking you; I haven't a bull's notion.

When pressed on the ethical implications, Mr O' Ruffian replied with an effusive 'wouldje ever fuck off with yourself. A few shkelps never hurt anyone. As it happens, we'll be watching from a vantage point in the corporate boxes behind a foot-thick sheet of reinforced glass. We can't wait. Let the games begin!'

Paul Morrissey