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FIFA to respect ridiculous South African tradition of blowing annoying horns

FIFA has rejected calls to ban the South African ‘Vuvezela’ horn despite pressure from broadcasters and irritated television viewers worldwide.

The host nation crowds have been enthusiastically blowing their deafening horns during every game of the World Cup so far - turning TVs into mini beehives and making it impossible to hear the noise of the crowd or listen to the commentators.

Though some fans say if it saves having to listen to Clive ‘Over the top attempt to be poetic’ Tyldesley on ITV it’s probably a good thing.

President of FIFA, Sap Fatter, acknowledged that ‘Vuvelezas are both incredibly annoying and a threat to hearing’ but said that they were ‘a traditional part of the football fan experience in South Africa’ and would therefore continue to be permitted at games.

When asked about the low quality of the games so far at this year’s tournament, Fatter seemed surprised, before answering “Oh yeah, the games, well hopefully they’ll get better. Sorry, I was distracted there. Just thinking about the big fat pile of cash on my desk back at headquarters."

Reacting to the news, 2012 World Cup hosts Brazil said that they looked forward to similar ‘traditions’ being respected when they host the tournament.

Female fans can look forward to all players wearing ‘samba style’ revealing g-strings on the pitch, while the drug gangs of Rio De Janeiro will open each game with a ceremonial volley of automatic machine fire.

England are also reported to have amended their bid for the 2016 cup, promising a ‘Traditional Hooligan display’ before every game, involving a specially selected group of shaven head young men handing out beatings to members of the crowd.

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Miami named most miserable U.S. city

(Reuters) - Warm sun, white beaches, and million-dollar mansions notwithstanding, Miami has captured the dubious distinction of being the most miserable city in the United States, according to a new poll.

The playground of the rich and famous is home to a crippling housing crisis, one of the highest crime rates in the country, and lengthy daily commutes for workers, all of which have propelled it to the No. 1 position in the Forbes.com list.

"Miami has sun and beautiful weather but other things make people miserable. You have this two-tier society: glitzy South Beach attracts celebrities, but the income inequality has skyrocketed in recent years," explained Forbes Senior Editor Kurt Badenhausen.

The rankings are based on factors including jobless rates, violent crime, foreclosures, income and property taxes, as well as considerations like weather, commute time and political corruption.

Reeling for decades from the decline of the U.S. auto industry, Michigan's troubled duo of Detroit and Flint registered at No. 2 and No. 3, respectively, among the most miserable cities.

"Detroit and Flint are struggling," said Badenhausen. "Violent crime is highest in the country in Detroit; housing prices are down 55 percent. Detroit is closing schools and laying off policemen. In recent years they have been demolishing houses to change their city landscapes"

West Palm Beach, Florida and Sacramento, California rounded out the top five cities.

"We're trying to judge cities where residents have a lot of complaints. It doesn't mean that there aren't terrific things there," he said.

And for the haves Miami's charms remain undiminished.

"The one percent in Miami is doing fantastic. But for the vast majority, who make less than $75,000 (a year), Miami can be a challenging place," he said. "Forty-seven percent of homeowners sit on underwater mortgages. That's tough."