You'd buy it.

Apocalypse HOW!

Watching Ireland Am repeats whilst being ridiculously hung-over is pretty unbearable sometimes... You’re trying to cram Rice Krispies into your mouth and enjoy your Malibu (don’t judge, haven’t you heard of hair of the dog?) and those presenters are so happy you could just DIE (from non-drink related issues).

However, when those damn chipper presenters start talking about “All the new and exciting trends we can expect this summer! Such as block colours, pastels, floral prints and prints” it’s too much to handle. So basically, -annoyingly optimistic and clearly unaware of what is approaching- stick insect presenter, you’re telling me EVERYTHING is in. Even the styles that contradict the other stuff are in, so you can’t go wrong.

They exist.

Dress like a penguin. That way you’ve got block colours, monochrome happening and you have the opportunity to ACCESSORISE! Furthermore, they encouraged us to “liven up our winter wardrobes by tearing the sleeves off our fur jackets and duffel coats”. That’s right, TEAR THE DAMN SLEEVES OFF. Ok, that’s intelligent and here was me wondering why the country was in such a state.

Let’s be realistic for a second. If the world is about to collapse in on itself or have delightful little aliens (if they’re going to be our future over-lords I better practice my grovelling) invade us then we should put a fashionable foot forward (towards the end). Optimistic, eh?

Layer it up.

Do wear: Layers! It could be hot! It could be cold!? Who the hell knows? See what I did? Clever, amn’t I? Are you a meteorologist? No? I thought as much *sneering expression*. Be like the cool kids in 90210! Wear a long sleeved top over a short sleeved top and then wear another long sleeved top, cause you’re so cool like that. In the long run you can give it to one of those poor unfortunate girls who appear to lack the money (more likely, common sense) to wear clothes that cover more than just the bare essentials you always see in Dundrum and Grafton Street!

Moreover, things like bug repellent (may also be helpful in the event of annoying little people as well as mossies), raincoats (it’s Ireland, get with the programme) and SPF (that’s sun protection, not a football league…) should not be scoffed at! IN addition hip flasks (with the appropriate liquids *AHEM*) should not be ignored. Adult diapers may seem unnecessary but can you really trust your bowels in the face of the apocalypse?

Do wear: Trousers or jeans. Not only are they good for unexpected Demons clawing at your feet they’re also more acceptable with ascending. If your fate is to be left below *ominous music* go for those charming trousers that have the word “JUICY” across the ass.. It only seems befitting and classy.

There's already hats!

Do: Stash an extra pair of cotton socks in your "Judgment Day Go-Bag." Polyester is for sinners.

Do: A hat is always nice -- think Princess Beatrice! -- and will shield you from "blood and rain," unless you'd like your scalp to be touched by Jesus, or maybe to get a little sun on that noggin after all that rain, in which case, shave it all off and go bare, baby! The Pope is always wearing one and word on the ground is he’s got a direct line with the man above!

Don’t: Focus on the current fashion trends. God will not give a crap about clashing animal prints, wedges with socks or sunglasses. Any of those three fashion mistakes, pick a card. What’s that? You can go straight to hell for that kind of shit. Excellent.

Finally. Those young inner city women can go out in style.

Do: If you think you’re going to spend the rest of eternity imitating char-grilled beef then why don’t you dress like someone who is destined for better things! Like the head of the celibacy club (do they exist?) or a priest? You might just get lucky and be mistaken

You’ve got eleven months to decide where you’ll be, who you’ll be with and discover how Marty McFly got to 2015 if the world ends this year. You can lie safe in the knowledge that even if your ass is going to fry in hell you’ll be adequately dressed. However, I could be wrong (Now that would be the real apocalypse). All my advice could be wrong. You could wear what has been described as the end of the fashion world: PajamaJeans! Personally, I would rather be boiled in my own spit than wear one but if you see the need.. Well, it’s your party. Happy Apocalypse!

Elaine McDonald


Part 2 of our 2012 Fashion Predictions coming soon!