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Fáilte Ireland revealed as Ash cloud masterminds

Failte Ireland's turbines in action

Fáilte Ireland, the agency responsible for marketing Ireland as a domestic travel destination have been exposed as the evil masterminds behind the return of the Icelandic ash clouds and subsequent closure of Irish Airports.

A secret memo, seen by The Spanner, describes a plan to install several large wind turbines in the vicinity of Eyjafjallajokull and influence the wind currents in the vicinity to blow back towards Ireland.

A spokesperson for the organisation, Mr. John Longs, denied the plan had ever been put into practice, saying “That was just our little joke. Like bribing weather reporters every year to say that it’s going to be a great summer.

“The fact that the ash cloud has returned is just a coincidence. Of course it’s unfortunate for the many traitors, sorry I mean holidaymakers, who had trips abroad planned but unfortunately that’s just life isn’t it?

“For those who are staying at home, we have a wide range of options. You could take the special ‘value saver’ train fare, which is only €99 each way to anywhere within a half an hour radius of Dublin. Naas, mostly.

“For a €20 supplement you can also purchase the first class option, which means your seat cushions are a different colour and your chances of sharing the carriage with loud scumbags drinking bottles from the dining car are only 1 in 5, compared to the standard carriage probability of 85%.”

Hotels around the country are doing their bit to offer options to stranded tourists, with one B&B in Killarney offering the special package of 2 nights for €299 per person sharing, or 1 night for €400.

Running water, bed linen and floorboards are included at no extra cost. Breakfast consists of those weird German sausages from Lidl.

County Clare tourist board are also promoting a novel new ‘reverse psychology’ campaign. Posters reading “Nothing beats Lahinch in the rain” and “We haven’t the foggiest where the Cliffs of Moher are” are currently being plastered across the country.
 

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 Joke of the Day

It is rumoured that President Robert Mugabe is fighting for his life in a Singapore hospital.

Doctors are working around the clock pretending to try and save him.

(Jimmy Carr)

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Topless Ukraine activist grabs Euro Cup

(Reuters) - A Ukrainian women's rights activist stripped to the waist and seized the Euro-2012 soccer trophy while it was on public display in Kiev on Saturday in a protest against the forthcoming month-long championship.

 
The young woman, 23-year-old Yulia Kovpachik, is a member of the Kiev-based Femen women's rights group which believes the Euro-2012 soccer tournament being played in Ukraine next month will encourage sex tourism.
 
Kovpachik strode up to the silver, 60 centimeter (two feet) high trophy, which was on display as a tourist attraction in an open air exhibition in central Kiev, ostensibly to be photographed alongside it like hundreds of other sightseers.
 
But she then pulled down her red T-shirt to reveal the words "Fuck Euro 2012" scrawled on her torso. As she grabbed hold of the cup with both hands, she was seized by security guards, who appeared to have had advanced warning of the protest.
 
They covered her with a sheet and took her off to a waiting police car.
 
The protest appeared to be the first action in a campaign against the championship by Femen which regularly stages bare-breast protests in Ukraine - and sometimes beyond - to highlight what it sees as political injustice, social abuse and the exploitation of women in Ukraine.
 
Femen says Euro-2012, which Ukraine is co-hosting with Poland next month with the final in Kiev on July 1, will be a magnet for sex tourists - one of the group's main targets - and will feed a booming sex industry.
 
About one million foreign tourists are expected in Ukraine for the Euros.
 
Organisers said the 8 kg (17 lbs) Henri Delaunay cup was undamaged though Kovpachik appeared to topple back under its weight as security guards seized her. It was still on show in late evening.
 
Femen's spokeswoman, Anna Gutsol, said Kovpachik, who staged the protest on her 23rd birthday, was released after being told she would have to appear in court on Monday on a charge of hooliganism. The charge carries a maximum fine of 800 hryvnias ($100) and 15 days detention.
 
Conscious of Ukraine's growing reputation as a new destination for sex tourism, Euro-2012 organisers say they are taking steps to curb prostitution during the month-long tournament.
 
After Kovpachik's protest, Femen activist Olexandra Shevchenko told reporters: "We came here today to stop this Euro fan low-life from making a bordello out of Ukraine."
 
City authorities have mounted the trophy in a temporary exhibition area on Kiev's Independence Square.
 
Hundreds of sightseers were queuing up under the blazing sun for souvenir photographs alongside it when Kovpachik staged her demonstration.
 
Independence Square itself will be the centre of a huge 'fan-zone' during Euro-2012, capable of holding tens of thousands of football supporters.

Link of the week

Auld lads are a gas bit of craic so they are. And they're on Twitter here. By Jaysus...