Minister for Children, Frances Fitzgerald, has called the latest revelation 'regrettable'

The Irish people were left stunned this week with the shocking news that the entire nation has in fact, for many years, been an elaborate paedophile ring. Signs of trouble first became apparent following the release of the Cloyne report, in which it was revealed that the Catholic Church was actually only the administration wing of a much wider network of paedophiles permeating Irish society to its very core. This was followed by news of an incident in Donegal in which the sex offenders register was actually being used as a resource for the allocation of jobs to sex predators seeking to work near children—However, it has been claimed that because the work was cash-in-hand in this particular case, the sex abuse “doesn’t count”.

Later in the week, paedophilia became a hot topic among the mainstream populace when it was revealed that a certain high-profile Presidential candidate was not only “hypothetically sympathetic towards certain forms of sexual interaction between men and boys under specific hypothetical circumstances,” but that he actively intervened in an actual case involving a statutory rape. The story quickly became the biggest divisive issue since Roy Keane stormed out of an Irish training camp in Saipan, with people debating endlessly on social networking sites about whether or not it was right to have sex with people who are under the age of consent.

However, the situation became even more complex when it was revealed that said Presidential hopeful was actually duty-bound as a representative of the State to interfere in the case as a result of rules and regulations outlined in the ‘secret paedophile constitution of the Irish Republic’. News of the secret constitution was initially met with near universal disbelief, but its existence was apparently confirmed when details were revealed of a previous incident in which Fine Gael TD Pat Breen submitted a written parliamentary question to then “Justice” Minister Michael McDowell, enquiring about when a convicted paedophile might be eligible for early release. “This sort of thing is done all the time” said one government advisor, “people like to blame the influence of the Church in Ireland but in actual fact it’s the tail that wags the dog.”

Crowds of non-paedophiles gathered outside the Dail as a result of the revelation, demanding that the secret constitution be torn up. “I can’t believe we never realized the entire nation was in on it but the signs were always there I guess, I mean how many countries have a ‘Minister for Children’ for God’s sake?” said one visibly upset protestor. There are apparently now plans being made to rebrand the recent census as a de facto tribunal investigating the nationwide paedophile ring, in the hope that it will save some money in the current financial difficulties.