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End of Leaving Cert signals return to bad weather

The end of the Leaving certificate exams on Friday last has coincided with the conclusion of the so-called ‘Irish Summer’ – a rare period of non-rain on this green island which is seen once or twice per decade.

It will come as no surprise to seasoned climate watchers that the end of the ‘yellow ball in the sky time’ (as it is known popularly) has closely followed the timetable for Ireland’s annual learning stuff off by heart competition.

Students who struggled through the heat to sit in exam halls and study all evening are understandably unimpressed.

“It’s just not fair, said student Nigel Erdinger. “We’ve been studying our holes off all through this sunshine, and as soon as we’re finished the rain is back. What the fock like?

“Thank God there’s still a complete tolerance of underage drinking in this country otherwise there’d be no craic at all. C’mere is it true that if you get really hammered your swimmers get drunk and you can’t get a burd pregnant?”

A spokesperson for the exams commission confirmed that the Leaving and Junior Certificates were deliberately timed to frustrate the maximum amount of students possible.

“Well of course July and August are pretty much woeful every year so the best chance of annoying them all is to schedule the exams for July,” one of their faceless bureaucrats told The Spanner.

“This year of course, we also have the World Cup on. This is known in the exam scheduling business as a ‘Double Stinger.’ That’s not to be confused with a World Cup in which Ireland are participating, which, as I’m sure you are aware, is a ‘Mega Stinger.’

The combined end of Leaving Cert / Irish summer has also recently been awarded international ‘Meteorology Phenomenon’ status and is now among such esteemed predictive methods as Groundhog Day in the US and that mad postman from Donegal. 

 

 

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Miami named most miserable U.S. city

(Reuters) - Warm sun, white beaches, and million-dollar mansions notwithstanding, Miami has captured the dubious distinction of being the most miserable city in the United States, according to a new poll.

The playground of the rich and famous is home to a crippling housing crisis, one of the highest crime rates in the country, and lengthy daily commutes for workers, all of which have propelled it to the No. 1 position in the Forbes.com list.

"Miami has sun and beautiful weather but other things make people miserable. You have this two-tier society: glitzy South Beach attracts celebrities, but the income inequality has skyrocketed in recent years," explained Forbes Senior Editor Kurt Badenhausen.

The rankings are based on factors including jobless rates, violent crime, foreclosures, income and property taxes, as well as considerations like weather, commute time and political corruption.

Reeling for decades from the decline of the U.S. auto industry, Michigan's troubled duo of Detroit and Flint registered at No. 2 and No. 3, respectively, among the most miserable cities.

"Detroit and Flint are struggling," said Badenhausen. "Violent crime is highest in the country in Detroit; housing prices are down 55 percent. Detroit is closing schools and laying off policemen. In recent years they have been demolishing houses to change their city landscapes"

West Palm Beach, Florida and Sacramento, California rounded out the top five cities.

"We're trying to judge cities where residents have a lot of complaints. It doesn't mean that there aren't terrific things there," he said.

And for the haves Miami's charms remain undiminished.

"The one percent in Miami is doing fantastic. But for the vast majority, who make less than $75,000 (a year), Miami can be a challenging place," he said. "Forty-seven percent of homeowners sit on underwater mortgages. That's tough."