The European Central Bank has this week taken the bold step of handing out magic beans to struggling European economies in a last-ditch effort to save the future of the Eurozone. The news was announced by ECB President Jean-Claude Trichet amid growing fears of a default in debt-stricken Greece.

At a press conference in Frankfurt, President Trichet admitted that the previous approach of handing out imaginary cash bailouts no longer appeared to be working and that a daring new change of tack was needed, and while some financial experts have openly criticized the move, Trichet has been keen to point out that the magic beans come with a full ECB ‘guarantee’.

However, market reaction to the news has been described as “lukewarm at best” despite a provision that the first tranche of beans only be released to the Greek government on condition that a raft of tough austerity measures first be accepted. To make matters worse, many Greek protestors have taken to the streets of Athens to express extreme dissatisfaction with some of the hard-hitting measures, which include the enforced sale of all state assets as well as every first-born Greek child to private interests.

Furthermore, in a bid to convince the world that they actually know what’s going on all of a sudden, several financial ratings agencies have threatened that they may consider the new deal to be tantamount to a default, which could result in debt spreading contagiously across the Eurozone. In a bid to preempt this eventuality, EU health ministers have urged all poor people to ensure that they wash their hands thoroughly when entering banks and to cover their mouths when coughing near rich people.

In other news, more misery was heaped on President Trichet’s plate this week when the Irish Minister for Finance, Michael Noonan, announced plans to burn senior bondholders at Anglo Irish Bank. Mr. Noonan insisted that the move was necessary as a result of Ireland having run out of combustible materials thanks to European Commission regulations prohibiting the cutting of turf on Irish boglands.

Johnny McGee